Carpe The Diem....seize the carp!

2004-11-07T14:06:00.000-08:00

god im so fucking happy. : )

so matt called me jsut a minute ago, and wanted to hangout early.he said he knows a cool place where we can look at the stars.so hes gonna pick me up at 4 and IM SO EXCITED.again.i really like this guy, alot.i think i might fall in love with him, and i really dont want to.ive been thinking about him eery second almost of everyday.everything about him seems so perfect.im so glad i met him.im so glad he isnt in highschool.im so glad.even as hard as i try i still cant shake this feeling, im trying to not get too caught up in it.but i dont even care. i cant help it.ive been looking for someone like matt for so long and now it seems ive finally found him.im thankful for him.and ive only known him for a week,and its just crazy.i hope this has a happy ending.

2004-11-06T17:38:00.000-08:00

Tracy Chapman is the best music to make out to.

"even when its dark out your eyes still sprakle" - matt

So i have a problem. im madly falling for matt and i really hate that because i dont want to get hurt again.he seems so perfect in almost everyway.we are dating,but i dunno whats going to happen.im really scared ive never felt this before and i sortof cant handle it. or i dont know how to.i love the way he looks at me and i love the way he tastes. i love when he holds my hand and i love when he holds me. i love the way he kisses me.i love the stuff he says.i love being with him.i like hearing his voice.i love when he smiles.i love the way he isnt like typical highschool boys and how he is mature.
i really liked how our first kiss was on top of a bunch of rocks under the stars looking over ashland.i jsut want to be with him and waste the day away.theres only one problem: he dosent want a serious realationship because he will be leaving soon,and he dosent want to fall in love with someone because he dosent want to miss them.i also loved how cute it was, he turned on tracy chapman (he knows shes my fav).and he knew speghetti was my fav food and he made it for me.he asked me to hangout tommorow at 5:30.when he leaves ashland, im going to be so hearbroken.but i dont care, i want to make the best of what i have.and thats what i plan to do.

2004-11-05T15:10:00.000-08:00

hey everyone....i havent written in a couple...months mybe? lots pf stuff is going on and i have a livejournal but thats kinda more private stuff.school sucked today. i missed an appt. so my mom is all "BLEH I HATE YOU". fuck that. im not gonna let that ruin my weekend.im going to have alot of fun this weekend ive decided.im hanging out with matt tonight so that should be fun.for some weird reason he really wants to take me to acid castle and then see some weird math movie with him. haha. hes a math major/tutor so hes all about that.i dont know if i would call that a date tho.i hope it is : ) i already think hes totally awesome, and i want to date him, but i dunno.im just going to be cautious incase he turns out to be a douchbag.and god, i really hope he dosent because it feels like i met someone great for once.i mean latley ive been trying to meet alot of people, not nessercarly for dating but for friends.we have already gone out to coffee once, and it was awesome. anyway, i am enjoying be single right now, especially as of last weekend.haha im not even getting into that mess.

anyways, i ditched corey at lunch.didnt mean too, i just forgot now hes mad at me because i wont buy him cigs.LAME. anyways i have nothing to sya, except bye.

*kate

2004-09-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

I used to know a girlShe had two pierced nipples and a black tattooWe'd drink that Mexican beerWe'd live on Mexican foodYes, I wish I could go backYes, back in timeEsther used to be the kind of girl that you would never leaveShe'd do anything to give me what I need for my diseaseShe'd do anythingI can hear them talking in the real worldBut they don't understand that I'm happy in hellWith my heroin girlI am losing myself in a white-trash hellLost inside a heroin girlThey found her out in the fieldsAbout a mile from homeHer face was warm from the sunBut her body was coldI heard the policeman sayJust another overdoseEsther used to be the kind of lover you would never leaveShe'd do anything to give me what I need for my diseaseShe would do anything

2004-09-02T11:07:00.004-07:00

Which British Band Are You?

2004-09-02T11:07:00.002-07:00

Which British Band Are You?

2004-09-02T11:07:00.001-07:00

Which British Band Are You?

2004-09-02T11:07:00.000-07:00

Which British Band Are You?

2004-09-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

whaaaat the fuckty fuck fuck.i hate schooool i hate schoooool i fucking HATE it and i want to be free!!GODDAMNIT.im hungry too. *tear* i have the biggest craving for chocolate and nicotine together right now.i want drugs and i cant have them right now grr.i want drugs hey heyh ey lalala LA hey lala.i had the best dream about cake lastnight it was awesome.when i woke up i didnt have that taste in my mouth.i was so very dissapointed.

so heather gave me a ride home yesterday,because shes awesome and i love her.then i took her for a ride in my car,which she likes,and we didnt die,and then we made plans to eat lunch sometime.so yay im happy bout that. Taylor came over yesterday and to hangout with mike and then he told me i looked like a pimp,that i was hot and that he would go out with me.hmm wow sorry taylor but um no.your a weird baby and you scare me emmensly to a point where its exstreme.taylors a nice kid tho, hell of alot nicer then corey,mikes other buddy.corey can be cool sometimes but right now hes going to ignore me i figure, and thats funny because i dont care.if hes going to ignore a senior then wow his loss.i hope he dosent think i like him or some shit .shit he probably does.haha,so anyways moving on, taylor asked me to take him out to lunch sometime so i said i would,even tho that would be hella akward.i cant log in to my LJ and im PISSED.my pass.is fucked up and wont work so WHATEVER.

Mike, (not my brother) carries husband was damn fine. i would totally do that guy, hes like HELLLOOOO.yea.i have an out right now and haha opps i should fix it to a class but i didnt so waa.im a fucking senior!even tho i havent seen any cute guys yet,that are intelligent and worth talking to,so it blows.and the only ones who have even checked me out are froshies and that ive come to realize is a big no no.well, i kinda knew it before but in the past i choose to kinda ignore that.

so i saw josh today when i was comming down the stairs and i was thinking of saying hi but then i realized he was talking to fucking asshole spartak,who i cant stand now,and hes all afriad of me so he just turned around and made one of those "holy mother of god" faces and a little noise at me. dude fuck that guy, jesus what a fuckin prick whatever hes a douche he can go blow himself. how about that sparererekakrkakkakk you crazy ass stupid ugly russian motherfucker who has no friends and thats why you only hangout with your brothers becuase everyone HATES YOU. THE END. *takes a bow* thankyou, thankyou.

albeni just talked at me, haha lets not.you go back to your side of the earth and ill stay on mine. shes like "heeeey" like shes my buddy.not my buddy. NOT. shes all huge and could step on me. help.i love rejecting losers. isnt that nice?

ps, if your any of those people SUCK IT.

merry fuckin christmas motherfucker. ; )

2004-09-01T08:43:00.001-07:00

Which Grunge Band Are You?

2004-09-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

IM BACK BITCHES! ive decided to use both this and my live journal (which will be more interesting by the way) because im awesome. okay thats all i have to say for now, except this:

Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?

2004-08-01T22:45:00.000-07:00

Today sucked.i dont really feel like going into details, but it just was really lame. god, cant there be just one day, where there is no screaming,no fighting,no crying? cant there be one day where instead of hitting theres hugging? haha that sounded stupid.thats why i hate it here,where they are. they ruined it for me,and now i have to rebuild myself everyday.it takes all my energy.
and ive come to realize ill feel that way as long as i know them.because mybe, thats what there here for. even if you love them so much you hate them, there always going to be there.i could jsut get up and leave.i could leave right now. but i dont think it would make me a happier person.where would i go and who would i be?because outside of this hell hole i have nothing,nothing else to grab onto.i have noone else to go to. well i guess i still have noone to go to here either.i just want to grow up and get the "best years of my life" over with.

Friday night was fun. i hungout with stevi and we went over to Jimmy's place where there was a few people just hangin out.so we where there all night.it was pretty fun.we all just sat around and got stoned and smoked and got drunk. i got really drunk because im a lightweight and its embaressing.anyways,most of the time i was so wasted i couldnt even stand up so i ended up creating my own little party on the lawn that i rolled around in for a long time.i ended up talking to a lot of people i didnt know,and i still dont know them because i forgot their names.Robbie, who kept trying to put his arms around get really pissed and yell "GET OFF ROBBIE ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN!" and then i would elbow him really hard, but he kept trying and trying. then after that,i started to sober up a little bit enough so that i could actually sit up and walk, so i made jimmy come on a walk with me.we walked not far until we found a huge yard like thing next to a lamma feild.we where being really flirty which is weird,and then we where being kinda cuddly which is weirder.he kept tickling me and laying on me it was weirdddd but i kinda realized i liked it and that scared me.then he leaned in like he was gonna kiss me and i turned my head away.

We started to walk home because we where afraid rabid lammas were going to attack us. then i realized stevis car was gone and that was not good.so i made jimmy walk me to jermeys which took FOREVER,mybe like a couple miles or so.i was freezing but i didnt say anything, and he just went inside and got me a sweatshirt.then we walked for what seemed like forever,and when we finally got there,we were really tired.stevi let us in and we both just sortof sat on the couch for a while just talking. iwas getting tired so i started to lay down and he kept trying to cuddle with me which was funny because i wasnt really cuddling with him at all.at one point he had his arm around me,and my hand was laying open and his fingers sortof crept into my hand and before i knew it we where holding hands. wtf.it was cute.but too cute i decided, and pushed him off the couch.lol. even after i pushed him off the couch, he made sure the blanket was covering me so i wouldnt get cold.then we fell alseep.then i woke up before him, so i decided to throw a pillow at his head. then we all got up and went and got donuts and then stevi dropped me off and i spent the rest of the day with a hangover from hell and weird memories.

i really wish corey wasnt 14 right now. really really badly. goddamnit.hi im not a pedophile.

2004-07-25T18:16:00.000-07:00

Its so nice to be away from home.home is boring.home is old.its painful and its too familiar and i hate it now.i hate the way i feel when i wake up,knowing im still the same but my friends arent.i want to change because this is exactly working for me.its not how id like it to be,id like to for once feel like i matterd.just for once i dont want to feel the same.i feel stuck,im trying to change that but i dont really know how exactly.god what the hell am i even talking about,anyone who reads this isnt going to understand.secretly i wish someone would.and if they knew mybe it wouldnt hurt if they could care also.opps,i guess its not a secret anymore.god,people are fucking rediculous.its not that i love where i am, its that i love being away.i love being gone.its not like if i left forever that i would just make a huge dent in peoples lives i know.its not like that.it can never be like that.and i held onto that for so long because i love those people so much,they mean the world to me,friends do. boyfriends betray you,make you feel like shit,or mybe they will actually beat the shit out of you.i dont want to loose my friends,i really dont.sometimes i do wish people could show me they care a little more, but some people just cant do that, and its not like i can make them or anything.so ive learned to live with that, i mean its not fair for me to change people.ive become pretty independant this summer and have gotten resonably comfortable, and i dont want that to change. i dont want a boy to come and fuck up the little life i have built,so to speak.i have made the decision that next year i wont be living in ashland anymore.hopefully in downtown portland.for at least a while,but after that i want to move out of the state,just,start over.compleatly.my home has never felt like a home,more like a war zone.i just figure mybe i could meet somebody when i live in portland.mybe i can just leave all my problems at home. thats exactly what i plan to do. i have a plan for my life,and i will see to it that it works out.all i used to want out of life was somebody.i dont want that anymore.i havent wanted that for a while now,and its really nice because only i can make myself compleate,not somebody else.

2004-07-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

Im still in portland right now.i'll be leaving tuesday tho with Kendra,and she willl be commin home with me for a week, so that should be fun and all.its been alright here,not too exciting tho.its just nice to have a change of enviroment for a while.all i have really been doing is smoking or playing with puppies or watching weird small children things. we are sort of out in the middle of nowhere and you have to drive about 15min to get into the city.Today,we all went to the Clakamas mall and did a little shopping. oh, and i got my nose periced.I GOT MY NOSE PERICED!!! yay. it looks good too, so im happy i got it. oh and it hurt like a mother.people who say "oh it dosent hurt at all" are lying because it hurts like a bitch!i went in there with kendra who was getting the top of her ear done,and she went first.it looked really gross and like it hurt ALOT. i asked the guy if it was going to hurt really bad and he said it shouldnt too bad.but its the thickest cartalidge so yea it will hurt a wee bit more then other pericings. i didnt really trust him that it wouldnt hurt too bad because this guy had percings all over.he was hot tho.anyway,it was weird he held my hand and said it would be ok, and then he told me to take a deep breath.then i felt this slow pain and then it was over. but it fuckin hurt.and i also now do not like hollow needles either.everyone has said i have a good nose for that so i figured id just do it.i also have wanted my eyebrow too,but i think that would be too much.im going to do the top of my ear tho someday soon.thats supposed to hurt really bad. :/ oh well i can take it, lol.then we went to hot topic and there was this creepy black dude who kept flirting with me and hitting on me,and was talking about how i would look sexy in these disgusting ugly little playboy underwear. i was like, haaaa no thanks. i talked to my mom about my nose and she didnt really want me to do it, but she didnt really care.My dads gonna be pissed (tee hee!) i cant wait to see the look on his face.my nose feels like its on fire right now. ive been thinking abou Alan alot. even tho i just met him, i really hope stevi talks to jermey because i really want to see him again.i think im going to re-highloght my hair when i get back.its grown out alot i need to fix that. well i gtg , later

2004-07-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

So far,today has sucked.i failed my test.yea that was fuckin gay.i studied so hard and i was appartently only off by one question. ONE FUCKING QUESTION!!i hate the goddamn dmv.that has to be one of the most miserable places on earth.and the lady was a huge bitch too with a ugly mullet.as oppsed to a pretty one i guess. i have yet to see a pretty mullet.anyway which didnt help at all.but im taking it yet AGAIN next week when i get home from portland.if i dont get it then, its going to be a very drunken night indeed. : (

last night was pretty fun. i hungout with stevi and her new boytoything and his buddies. most of them were drunken idiots,but there was this one guy Allen who was pretty nice and friendly and we hit it off.he asked me alot of questions about myself and acted like he was interested.he sat nex to me the whole time when we were on the grass and we shared ciggerets and stuff.so he was cool,and im hoping to hangout with him again.there was this one REALLY drunk punker kid who was cute but goddamn he was annoying. the whole time he kept bitching about politics which i have no interest in whatsoever,and he was getting all excited about it and it was giving me a headache.then we went and hungout at the dudes house and there was this weird ball thing there and this kid (barfy) was putting it on his head.later that not,barfy did what he does best, INSIDE stevis car.i was also in the back with barfy and i wanted to DIE. it was the most disgusting thing EVER.it was funny because before that me and barfy were kinda flirting and then that happend it pretty much compleatly turned me off. lol.poor barfy.

goddamn.

well im outta here for a week, DO CALL MY CELL !!!! CALLLLLLLLLL ITTTT. ok bye kids.

2004-07-19T15:09:00.000-07:00

girls just wanna have fun ; )

thats all i have to say.

2004-07-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

It's Cute How Stupid You Are.

2004-07-19T14:54:00.000-07:00

Romantic
You are a little more subtle. You like setting the mood and taking it down a notch with just you and your partner. You like making love but you are probably a freak down under it all.

What kind of sex do you like?

haha im a slut ; ) lol

2004-07-16T01:09:00.000-07:00

You're addicted to.....

Alcohol!
Mmmmmmm, Mmmmmm, Bitch! I like you, alcohol is one
of the better things to be addicted to. The
only bad part is it makes you feel like doing
nothing and the next morning you get a terrible
hangover.

What are you addicted to? (pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-07-14T22:00:00.000-07:00

I had a reletvily shitty day so ive been pissed. plus when people i hate start talking to me,on these kind of days, it makes me want to light there face on fire.by the way,i hate you Jermey jonson,who only talks to me so he can say stuid shit about himself that noone gives a fuck about:

IPleadThe5th767: guess what today is!!! my bday -->

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Auto response from kAtEo587: ugh...here it goes again
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kAtEo587: happy b day then
IPleadThe5th767: lol
IPleadThe5th767: thanks
kAtEo587: yup
IPleadThe5th767: whats up?
kAtEo587: nothin
IPleadThe5th767: cool
kAtEo587: u
IPleadThe5th767: have u gotten your licence yet/
kAtEo587: gettin this week
IPleadThe5th767: when?
kAtEo587: fri
IPleadThe5th767: haha, i get it tomarrow
IPleadThe5th767: if i pass
IPleadThe5th767:
kAtEo587: great
IPleadThe5th767: yeah, im excited
kAtEo587: thats good
IPleadThe5th767: what car are u going to drive?
kAtEo587: im getting a honda civic
IPleadThe5th767: nice, im going to drive a toyoda landcruser
IPleadThe5th767: great car, shity gas mileage
kAtEo587: yea
IPleadThe5th767: but if goes so im happy
IPleadThe5th767: *it
kAtEo587: cool
kAtEo587: so how are u and whats her name doin?
IPleadThe5th767: uh.... im a horrible person
kAtEo587: dumped her?
IPleadThe5th767: not yet....
kAtEo587: oh you cheated?
IPleadThe5th767: no
IPleadThe5th767: im not that horrible
kAtEo587: lol
IPleadThe5th767: i stopped myself
kAtEo587: stopped yourself?
IPleadThe5th767: but i connect on such a deep level with a new girl i met it makes elena seem irelevant
kAtEo587: wow
IPleadThe5th767: yeah
IPleadThe5th767: the bad part is that they are friends, so im at a loss as of what to do
kAtEo587: yep. i feel bad for elena thats a shitty position your putting her in
IPleadThe5th767: yeah, thats y i havnt done anything yet
kAtEo587: well beakup before you just cheat on her
IPleadThe5th767: dont worry, i think she knows that we were not going to last and i think shell end it soon, that way they could still be friends
IPleadThe5th767: cause otherwise it would be very difficult
kAtEo587: it will probably be anyway
kAtEo587: for her
IPleadThe5th767: i know but im trying so hard! its not fair
IPleadThe5th767:
IPleadThe5th767: lolkAtEo587: lol, cant get EVRYTHING you want
IPleadThe5th767: ill figure my shit out before i do anything
kAtEo587: good, otherwise they will both hate you
IPleadThe5th767: i know
IPleadThe5th767: its a shitty situation for everyone
kAtEo587: yea
kAtEo587: yep drama sucks thats why i hate dating in highschool
IPleadThe5th767: i cant same here!!!!!!
IPleadThe5th767: *
kAtEo587: what?
IPleadThe5th767: i cant either
IPleadThe5th767: same here
kAtEo587: oh
IPleadThe5th767: i guess its a little repetitive
IPleadThe5th767: lol
IPleadThe5th767: i got excited, what can u do
kAtEo587: huh? excited for what and what can i do?
kAtEo587: oh wait i get it nvm
IPleadThe5th767: lol
kAtEo587: shutup im tired
kAtEo587: so is alex still dating that one chick?
IPleadThe5th767: yeah
kAtEo587: lol
IPleadThe5th767: i am so glad im getting my licence
kAtEo587: yea i can see that
IPleadThe5th767: so i dont have to deal with them any more
kAtEo587: wow, thats nice of you, hope he dosent know you where using him. but yea hes a douche
kAtEo587: i bet hes going to marry her, it wouldnt surprise me
IPleadThe5th767: ud be proud, when they went to give eachother a good bye kiss, i shoved a dirty sock half way down alex's throat
kAtEo587: LOL
IPleadThe5th767: i thought it was funny but he didnt get it
IPleadThe5th767:
kAtEo587: lol he wouldnt
kAtEo587: hes not big in the smart department
IPleadThe5th767: nope
kAtEo587: well im gonna go, good luck not breaking the girls heart,dont kill shit when you drive,and have a nice life

i really thought the last thing i said was pretty funny because its harsh and not personal at all.so if i dont want to waste time talking to you, thats probably what ill say.i dont plan on talking to him again anyhow.i hate highschool boys. the end, go die in a hole.

IM SO HAPPY. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.

2004-07-13T14:04:00.000-07:00

I had alot of plans this summer.alot.so far,none of them have happend and that makes me sad. :( ok mybe some of them have.ok i lied a little.im a liar.i lie. ;)

1.planned to be a nanny.(stfu,I LOVA DA KIDDIES!)
2.go to portland for 2 weeks(still in progress)
3.go camping with my friends(prob wont happen)
4.get a honda civic(again in progress)
5.take drumming lessons(this requires money)
6.take some sort of art class(MONEY)
7.make new friends(um i have but i havent called them ...sure)
8.hangout with emily more and see lots of concerts(well actually this has happend once so far this summer,hopefully again)
9.CAMPING of any sort(oh, it will happen,it will)
10.meet a boy(started to happen with someone at one point.then it went down the shitter.oh well i can always become a hard core bull dyke! ;)
11.loose like 900lbs.(i lost a teeny bit BUT NOT ENOUGH.i have to get hot for the beach even tho that will not happen.but i can pretend.)
12.hangout with someone new and exciting(i guess i have actually)
13.have (or go to) a kickass party
14.cut back on drinking(which i have done,and havent been drunk for a long time actually)

2004-07-11T21:18:00.000-07:00

today was good. lastnight was good.actually yesterday was really fun.
i hungout with stevi during the day, and we walked around in the park and that was cool. and then we went to bother kody at his house lastnight and we had a blast.by blast i mean us all being huge nerds and making cake and stuff. then we took an assload of pictures with kodys camra and that was fun. it was really funny when i tried to take pictures because im SO bad at it,and i got in about 4 crotch shots. by accident!lol.it made me laugh.hard. then me and kody had a ninja fight and that lasted about 30 seconds. and he kicked my ass and hurt my foot.i think i might have hurt his hand.god im hardcore.then stevi spent the night,and we where laughing ALOT so my parents immediatly assumed we were drunk.which we werent.then today me and steven went to see Ancherman which is the best thing ever.hey im going to go work out mmaky bye.

*kate

2004-07-09T23:40:00.000-07:00

mybe i am the only one who feels this way. mybe im really just alone in my own universe and nobody could reach me,not that anyone has tried or anything.mybe i will feel like this forever.mybe i will die and people wont know me.i wish how i could help you and tell you everything is gonna be ok.i wish you would listen to me,to realize how great you really are.

there hasnt been one day where i havent thought about putting a gun to my head.or mybe sliting my wrist.or drowning myself.or mybe hanging myself.there hasnt been one day where i havent doubted myself.and i can say that i havent loved myself in years.im not sure if i ever really have. its hard to go on,day after day,knowing your a peice of shit and knowing youll never get anywhere in life, and knowing noone will ever love you.its hard to know it cant change.its hard to sit back and watch my life pass me by while i just sit here and think about how i could never "be".because i dont know how. i dont know how to have a real life. i dont know how to make myself happy and i dont know how to live.i wish it was easy for me.but its not.and i wish that people actually read this. i wish people thought about it. to know how serious i am.how this is always in my mind.
i want the people i care about to care about me. at this point in my life thats all i want.and im sorry if ive let you down.but you should know never to depend on a failure.

i could never just admit that im crying for help.but ive been crying for help for a very long time,and i have yet to hear an answer.it would help if more people listened instead of got more self absorbed.but thats what happens.thats just the way it is. well, i fucking hate the way it is.

i really feel dead.i might as well just be cold and stiff.the only feeling i really feel anymore is numb.

i'll never walk away
ill never leave you cold
i'd never let you down
i wont let your life unfold
your the voice of me
your the breath in my soul
the only thing that keeps me alive
the only thing that keeps me whole
when i look in the mirror
my reflection is you
but still i drink you away
you know i never wanted to
i wanted it to last
now you only exist in my past
put your life on hold
and look back at what you left behind
if you love someone never let them go
thats what ive always been told
forever ill be sitting at this red light
when will things change?
ill never forget that night
first love, first hate
you always were just a second too late

shutup i got bored.

2004-07-09T18:10:00.000-07:00

hey kids, its been awhile since ive last written. well my last post was just me being COOL so that dosent count.so the fourth was fuckin rad. i hungout with em and aubrey for the week. me and emily have grown really close and we get along really well now.im glad because we didnt always used to.we all had a great time and i miss her.we are supposed to go concert searching soon, because thats her hobby and she has been to SOO many.we went to a johnny lang concert a couple days ago and let me say.. IT FUCKIN ROCKED!!!he is sooo damn hot and sexy and talented all rolled into one. so hes mine bitch, back off. and kaki king opened for him and she was fuckin great. she is SO good at guitar and makes it look so easy to play like that.we got autographed cds from her.it was funny tho, there was this woman,who was obviously wasted, and she looked like a hippie who just came from woodstock and was dancing like she had just dropped acid. it was fuckin halarious.
she kept falling down and she'd get right back up again.it was quite amusing actually.she was all weird and kept pointing like " I WANT YOU"! then she got in trouble by security.so she went and curled up in a fetal position and vomited for a bit and then started dancing again.

it was a fun night indeed. during the day we all went to the oregon caves which was pretty cool, except i have really bad vertigo and i would be trying to look up,down,and around me at the same time and it made me really dizzy and i felt like i was gonna slip and fall. it would be really easy to slip and fall and die in there.because its all narrow and wet.there was these rocks that they called the "scalping" rocks. AH?!

Em's family had a forgein exchange student from finland named "Tatu"
stay with us. he was sooooo weird. not because he was from finland but because he was crazy. every shirt he owned was a hatebreed shirt and everything was black.he didnt really talk the first couple days, but then after a while he tried to talk to me alot and i couldnt understand a fuckin thing he said.he had a crush on me everyone was saying and he was being pretty creepy about it.but when he talked finish, that was really cool, lol.

fourth of july was cool too.me and emily where going to go to a party with stephanie johns but stephanie had to leave at 12 because she had a golf tournement the next day.so we didnt end up going, and i also knew Spartak would be there so yea fuck that. we still had fun tho.except for one thing that happend.there is this crazy guy, stephen, that apparently really likes me and i dont even know him but i know hes crazy.like violent and shit.and his older brother came up to me when i was downtown and was trying to talk to me for him because i guess hes shy. instead he just asked for my number instead.so i gave it, he was pretty hot and seemed ok for the most part.i realized that was a mistake tho because he is also a freak.he called at 12 and wanted me to hangout with him. he was being really rude on the phone and i was trying to make conversation so i asked what kind of car he drove and he just said " a car". he wouldnt tell me which i thought was gay, then he's like " dont ask questions when your not prepared for answers". wtf? then i asked what happend to his bro and he said he was introuble because he punched his dad. wow, classy. i know i'd wanna do a violent stalker guy. HOT.and then i said wow thats gay and his response was " uh not really because i got in a fist fight with him yesterday".thats when i hung up.so yup, fuck that dude.

well im going to go workout, talk to you chillins later. :)

2004-07-09T00:24:00.000-07:00

kAtEo587: i want a jesus butt plug
kAtEo587: lol
hellifiknow200: NO
hellifiknow200: lol
kAtEo587: haha
kAtEo587: i wouldnt use it unless i was in church!

2004-06-26T03:48:00.000-07:00

I cant make this horrible feeling go away.often for most of the day i am curled up in my bed crying in the dark because thats really all i have.i wish so badly i could be happy.not perfect,just not like this.i get desperate sometimes.i dont want to do it i really dont.but my choices are getting thin and i really dont see any other option for me.noone cares.noone.it hurts to know they dont really consider for a slight moment thats im serious.that mybe im not kidding.that mybe ive almost done it moe than once.its so lonley here at night. and i cant sleep.i just want to be alseep.and i really dont want to wake up.i have had plans to just go through with it.but im too chicken shit.but i swear to god, one of these days, something will happen,and im going to just get so upset and i wont be able to bare the pain.thats the day im going to do it.thats the day when the pain is going to stop.see, i do have control,but its a high price to pay.i have to choose. sooner or later my desicion will surface and that will be it.no dramatic ending.ive been getting "help" for years and honestly, i dont think it has done shit.im really scared right now, and im not sure quite how to deal with it.my usuall reaction would be to drink my problems away,but i know that wont actually work.i dont mean to sound pathetic,because im not.im just really...sad.its so real.my parents know,and there reaction is to get angry.i just need something positive.and from them,ha,thats rare.i just dont think im going to be able to live out a full life feeling this bad all the time.it just keeps getting worse.im giving it my best shot,but i just dont see how its going to work.
and im sorry,but i failed i guess, to put it simply.

im just tetering on the edge right now.i need something to pull me back.i miss the way things used to be.back when i didnt care. god that was a long time ago.i can hardley remember.but i dont want to contiue a life full of hatred and extreme sadness and guilt and every negative emotion.im a weak person, but at leat i never denied it.i guess thats one thing you can say i never did.

goodnight.

2004-06-25T22:27:00.000-07:00

KIDS! HELLO! im really bored at the moment.weeee.hey want a reason to make fun of me? OF COURSE YOU DO! i wrote a song.well a tiny part of one. and its gay.so i think i should post it on the internet so everyone can see my lame attempts at being creative are.actually ive always been into writing songs,but i dont show them EVER and theres reasons for that. ok ready set go.

I know everything
everyting about you
I know what you did
not surprised its nothing new
i know your heartless intentions
why cant you just pay attention?
I know where your hands go
and you force it when i say no
I know i shouldnt even care
but if it happens again i dont think i can bare
I know the things you do at night
torched the letter i started to write
I know you've forgotten me
except for that tatoo your having lasered off

(chours)
I dont wanna think about it
I dont wanna care at all
I just dont wanna hear about it
all im really asking for is that you trip and fall
(I just wanna sit in my cold dark room and hate you)
i dont wanna cry anymore
i dont wanna see you ever again
i just dont wanna remember anymore
all im really asking for is that your dead on the floor

hey HAHA THATS FUNNY.no really.by the way im not finished.should i finish it or scrap it now?TELL ME.
moving on.today was boring. i had to go to medford after merika and go shopping for CRAP with my mom and dad and i hated every second of it.usually, i love to shop.FOR ACTUAL THINGS. they were shopping for planting dirt and a swing and pots and just shit. for 3 hours.and gee whiz, it was so swell,i wish i could do it again!i think i just had a 50's moment.those are always fun.back in the day where nothing existed except poodle skirts and cateye glasses and lawn flamingos and ugly colors.

for the rest of this summer ive decided im not going to try with boys.thats not too long. except for me, summer is when i meet boys.oh well i guess i wont this summer.or else there going to have to make an actual effort twoards me which cant happen.im going to go watch a johnny depp movie right now yay bye.

2004-06-24T15:11:00.000-07:00

hmm i dont have anything to say. except that the lyrics to this song by Brand New kick ass.i really feel the lyrics,and the song is really good.download it,unless your spartak and you listen to Techno and Enya.haha enya. heres a question: what straight guy listens to ENYA?

"Seventy Times 7"

Back in school they never taught us
what we needed to know
Like how to deal with despair
of someone breakin your heart
For twelve years I've held it all together
but a night like this is beggin to pull me apart
I played it quiet left you deep in conversation
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen
I remember I kept thinking
that I know you never would
And now I know I want to kill you
like only a best friend could

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...

As if it happening wasn't enough
I got to go and write a song
just to remind myself how bad it sucked
Ignore the sun, covers over my head
Wrote a message on my pillow that says
"Jesse, stay asleep in bed"
Don't apologize (I hope you choke and die!)
Search your shelf for something which to hang yourself
They say you need to pray
if you want to go to heaven
But they don't tell you what to say
when your whole life has gone to Hell!

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...

So is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windshield

Is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
So let's end this call and end this conversation
And is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say "best friends" means friends forever

Is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with!!
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
then when your head goes through the windshield

(I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...
(I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...

2004-06-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

Today is going to be a fun day,ive decided.i think im going to work on my tan and mybe jog or something.me and Heather hungout almost all day yesterday.it was really fun.i havent hungout with her in a LONG time.we walked around downtown and in the park, and then went to starbucks and talked for a long time.
at one point we where sitting on a bench on the plaza,and this fat mexican dude comes up and just started talking to us.he said he was selling realestate.after about 30 seconds of talking to us he said "so yea we'll have to hangout sometime",and then heather said "yea i dont really think so".
haha! way to go heather! the guy was nice at first but then started be TOTALLY creepy,and he was probably in his late 30's and he knew how old we where.but he still kept hitting on heather.but once she shot him down he yelled "FINE,ill just go find some REAL women!" what,because we where the inflatable kind? then his buddy said "what is with the women in ashland"?!

IM SORRY THAT WE DONT LIKE PEDOPHILES!i did end up making a sceen tho because the guy made me mad so i yelled at him calling him not very nice things, and now all the poor tourist in ashland think im insane.oh well thats ok.anyways, later that night when we where down there, he saw us again but steered clear because i think hes a little afriad of us now.

well i must go now, but i will leave you with this:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/shakeass.html

2004-06-22T02:25:00.000-07:00

take the virgin-whore dichotomy quiz.

and go to mewing.net. where we're all studs.

2004-06-21T23:12:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION ALL FEMALES:SPARTAK ARKELEAN IS AN ASSHOLE!

Im very sad.But most of all,im really fucking pissed.

See,i have this thing,that when people blow me off,on purpose,i hate them and i want them to die a horrbile firey death.ok mybe not that, but i am really mad and upset.I hungout with kody tonight and we where downtown, and i was talking about how much it would piss me off if i saw Spartak down there,and low and behold,he drives up,stops to look at me, then realizes its me,then when he sees i see him,gets this horrfied look on his face, and speeds away.WHAT.THE.FUCK.asshole!i shouldve known he was too good to be true.i was thrown off tho,because he was acting way to sincere and charming and odly like Pat. HMM. WARNING SIGHN? i think so.so yea, im compleatly pissed off tonight.he hasnt called or talked to me or seen me(not including tonight) in 8 days.8 fucking days!so yes, i hate him. alot.there was a couple things i didnt like about him.like how he called me 'Sunshine'.wtf? if anyone knows me, they would know that my nick name should be the farthest thing from sunshine.i also hate how he would say "you make me happy in my pants". EW? WTF!when we were at the lake he was trying to get me naked. THE ENTIRE TIME.funny, because he tried really hard and that didnt work.he gives really horrbile back massages.they hurt, so its more like painful.i dont plan on trying to be his friend. i dont plan on being his fuckbuddy either.the only thing i have planned on was to call him and bitch him out, because otherwise he would feel like he got away with it.i want him to know i hate him and that i think hes a peice of shit.i want him to know how i feel.so ill give him a verbal lashing until he either hangs up on me, or cries. lol.i know the way he talks about some of the girls he messed around with,and its not exactly nice either, and if i find out hes saying crap about me,im going to slash his tires.

Funny thing is, im not kidding.and i know where he works.and i know his hours.actually i might just slash his tires anyway.
i know it would make anyone mad,but it will piss him off especially because hes trying to sell his mercedez.i also know its his car because on one of the doors,there is no inside part.so ill know that im fucking up the right car. its funny,because the first time i got in his car with some other kids he said, "guys dont get a scratch on the car,my dad will kill me".hahahahhahhahha im so evil and crazy.id ask kody to help me but kody seems to think spartak is in the Russian mafia so hes "connected", so kody probably thinks that if he found out it was us, he would come with his mob and kill our families or something,lol.

so heres a word of advice:if your a guy,dont fucking piss me off,or ill cut off something that you'll want to keep.;)

god im fucking crazy. oh well.lol.dont worry kids, i know why i dont have a boyfriend, i know.moving on...me and kody walked downtown from his clay street! LONG WAY.it was funny tho, because on the way alot of creepy guys checked us out but kody assured me, it was all him.hehe.we were crossing a cross walk to get to 7 11,and this guy who was walking across the other way stared directly at my chest, and had a creepy smile on his face and didnt even try to make eye contact! then he went over to his buddy who was at a stop sighn and i turned around and they where both staring at me. what in the hell is up with that?
do i have like these giant boobs that take over america or something?!then when we finally got to 7 11,there was a football team waiting outside eating.they all looked at us, i have no clue why,so i was all intimidated.but we went in anyways.but one stood up and opended the door for me, so it turns out they werent going to murder us, lol.then when we got inside i saw heather there, so i went and gave her a hug and we ended up making plans for tommorow so im really happy about that.i really like heather shes a nice girl.

anyways,also when we were downtown i saw this guy on a motorcycle looking at me like me knew me.then he stopped and said "hey i know you!".i got all excited,then he pulled off his helmet and it was zac rubenson.....YEEHAAAW!so he came over and just started talking to me,not kody at all which was weird.then when kody got up to make a call he sat down on the bench next to me.and he just kept talking.and talking.and talking.so he talked to me for mybe 15 mintues.about the dumbest shit.i dont want to sound like a huge bitch but i really kinda wanted to LEAVE.then he made his little comment about fat people,which he was thinking was funny.but i didnt laugh so he got all uncomfortable.he said he did stuff with one girl who went to mexico but the rest where "fattys" so he didnt have a choice.yea that was a little offensive.just a little.he was being really weird the whole time sorta acting like he wanted to just do me and i was acting very not interested.id be his friend...if he wasnt an ASS. speaking of that he asked me if i got a lot of ass this summer, because i guess he thinks im a huge slut or something.hmm.i dont like guys like that. him and josh act alot alike.inappropriate. for some reasons assholes want to be friends with me.dont understand that one really.

there actually is only a few people i think are really awesome. that would be of course stevi,kody,genny,heather,elon,hannah,dana,faith,kendra and thats it.
i need to go out and meet more people i think, lol.but i think people dont want to talk to me because i seem like a bitch at first.if your not an ass to me, i wont be to you.kinda works both ways.im afriad to let anyone in because people can be really hurtful sometimes.i guess im meeting the wrong people. either that or god hates me,lol.

Mike had his teeth operation thing today.he was on aesthetics and vikden and he was halluncenating pretty bad.he was sitting in the computer chair staring at the door.suddenly he got up and pushed on it.he said he thought it was open, it wasnt.then he was sitting playing video games and he looked at the teapot on the woodstove and this is what he said

Mike:woa,did you see that?
me: see what?
Mike: that teapot,steam just came out of it and it hit the ceiling!"

i feel bad for him.he is all swollen and bloddy and drugged up and it sucks seeing people like that.especially kids.i remember seeing my mom alot like that for her cancer.

i think im going to make myself get over this spartak thing now.why should i be upset over that? why should i get upset,he would never put that much energy into me.im going to stop wasting my time on him.id like to waste my time on someone else now.then i can at least forget about it.

i miss stevi.damnit stevi come homr from texasland.hopefully when she gets home we can all go camping somewhere.that would be AWESOME.me and her have been getting along really good latley.im happy about it.

wow im really fuckin tired.im gonna sleep now fuckers.

2004-06-17T01:49:00.000-07:00

im going to stop drinking now.ive been drunk alot this week, by myself.all done.all done with the drinky poo.

What happend today? weird stuff.

i beat a punching bag until my knuckles were bleeding. GOD IM COOL.

i went to winco at 9 pm. GOD IM SO FUCKIN COOL.

me and stevi watched 'Pootie Tang'. ...wait...what?

a mexican guy with 400 children stalked me and my mom in winco.

heres some advice kids, never EVER go to winco.ever.

no really.

2004-06-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

not again. NOT AGAIN. GODFUCKINGDAMNIT.

Ah yes.the day before yesterday. it was a good day. in fact, it was a fucking great day. i hung out with spartak all day.we drove to the lake and we went swimming.we were flirting like crazy the whole time.he was so sweet. he washed my feet off. he made sure i wasnt cold.he let me wear his clothes.he was nice to me.we had great conversations.we learned more about each other.
he asked me alot of questions. he wanted to know more about me. he wanted to get to know me better.after quite a few hours at the lake, he was going to go home but he decided to hangout with me longer.we went to my house and got in dry clothes.as we were walking to the car he said something and i said "you cant say stuff like that to your friends" and he goes "your not my friend, your my lova", lol.he kept whilsting at me and calling me hot and stuff. it was funny.we gave each other backrubs.he was so fucking romantic...for a while. lol.he kinda has a hard time being serious.he thinks everything is a joke.

we drove to the park. way above where the people where.we drove around for a bit talking and listening to music.then we parked, and just sat there and talked and flirted for a long time.we were drawing shit on each other.i was so happy just to be with him.at one point we acted like we were going to kiss and then all the sudden, fuckin chris lewis comes on this little red moterized scooter around the corner. yea....that kinda ruined the moment.it was really funny tho.

so they talked for a while and then chirs left.we were getting really touchy feely, and he would like slap my ass really hard(he did that ALOT)we had our seats layed back, and he just looked at me and told me to come give him a hug. so i climbed over and we just started cuddling and being all lovey dovey.it was fuckin awesome. but awkward.he wouldnt just kiss me.he would pinch me and be all weird and he said he only hurts me so he can kiss me.and he would kiss me everywhere which confused the fuck out of me.he took my hand so many times, and kissed it so softley.we just sat there for a long time, and he said i dont want you to leave, i want you to stay here with me.he said he was hanving fun and that he didnt want to leave.i didnt want to leave. i couldve layed in his arms forever.he would put his hands under my shirt and rub my back.i said i was uncomfortable so we moved to the back seat.we just sorta sat there cuddling. at one point he was actually kissing my ass,and then he was kissing my hands.then our faces where really close and we just started kissing. i felt really comfortable i wasnt nervous or anything.so we were all making out but it wasnt really intense, it was nice.we would stop and talk for a while.i was laying on his lap and he would lean down and kiss me. and kiss my neck.he was so gentle.at one point i stopped kissing him and said i dont want this to get weird.he said ok.

so we did that and um...it went a bit farther. the end. im not telling you anymore about that, let your imagination wander i guess, lol.then he freaked out because his parents where going to be mad at him because he was supposed to be home hours ago. so he freaked out and drove like a 1000 miles pr hr to get to my house.when he dropped me off he told me to call him tmro and i said i was bad at calling people, so he should call me. he said he would try but that he was going to be working tmro so he didnt know if he could.then we hugged and kissed one last time and i left.

he told me to call his parents to tell them i didnt take my cell. so i did , he answerd,thanked me for calling and said he would call the next day.

so everything seems great right? everything seems perfect right? WRONG.the next day i waited aorund for him to call. he never did. and he didnt call today either.i got really upset about it, and i feel like shit still. because i like him so much.and i hate it.he always keeps me on the edge.always. i jsut want to know if i should let this go or not.i hate feeling like this.
i know hes really bad about calling people.but god he could at least fuckin call.im SO SICK of guys doing this shit to me and ditching me. i thought i did it right this time. i guess i fucked up again.again.i thought i did it right. we didnt go too far.and we werent drunk.and he really acted like he liked me.i even said i hate guys who do shit like that and he said he wasnt like that.im sick of being taken advantage of. im sick of being lied too. im fucking SICK OF IT.what the fuck does he want from me!?!?!? why cant i find someone who truley likes me for who i am?why is that so hard? its not asking that much. i just dont want to be fucked over anymore.i hate these stupid fuckin little games.i cant do this.i really dont wanna do this again.

Im afriad i might be an alchoholic.really. everytime i get upset i get shitfaced, and i dont tell kody because he will hate me for drinking.often.ive had 12 maragritas.5 shots.my parents dont even drink the stuff and my dad dosent even care.im not trying to be cool. im trying to feel beter for the moment,im trying to feel anything besides what im feeling right now.i think my parents know and they dont care.i just want to escape this feeling.i hate being in love with someone.he took all my happeiness and all my engery.i just want to get drun and go to sleep.i want to pretend it never happend.i have had more than 3 hangovers this week, and its turning into a bad habbit of mine.lastnight, i drank all mikes beer.YES MIKE. he dosent need to be drinking. hes fucking 13.im not gonna let him fuck up his life.i only want to drink or do drugs when i get upset.i never do it just because i think it would be fun.i just want to feel something besides this.i dont have access to drugs other im sure i would be doing it.im sorry kody if that makes you angry with me.

im having such a hard time.for many different reasons.i want to talk to someone. i want someone to tell me things will be ok.but that dosent happen.
its just so much easier to get wasted. to forget about the day. about the reason i feel so bad.i remeber when i was with molly. we were fucked up every day.things where so easy then.if something botherd me all i had to do was smoke a bowl and get smashed and i would forget for a while.she does more extreme drugs now.ecstacy,shrooms( i did only once),and probably coke.
her life is one big party.and i know shes miserable.like me.and i dont even have to be fucked up to feel bad. i just am.

he never called.

ok well im done talking about deppressing stuff. by the way kids i think you all should know that ELON is a sexy motherfucker and you should all do him.

LATER KIDDIES!

2004-06-11T23:38:00.000-07:00

I think im falling in love.oh god.

hes perfect and i really dont know why i get myself into these things because i always get hurt.hes too perfect,to me.he calls me "sunshine". im going to the lake with him tmro.hes going to pick me up.im really excited, but i still dont know his intentions.i really want him to like me. he said after he figures out his work schedule he will call me and we will make plans. just me and him.this time hannah will prob be there,i really hope that dosent happen.anyway im going to bed because im getting up early to spend a day with guy the of my dreams.

see look, im annoying already. lol, goodnight kids.

2004-06-10T22:29:00.000-07:00

I just got home. i spent the night froliking about with stevi and kody downtown.they ran around and ripped up magazines.wow how AWESOME.i guess my idea of fun is different from theres.then stevi just kinda invited hannah, and its lame that we arnt good enough. hannah needs to come for it to be fun.oh well, whatever i dont care much.nothing i can do anyway.shit is fucked and im done caring about most things now.im letting it all go.

Im so sad that faith isnt gonna be here much this summer. she is SO awesome and has rapidly become one of my best friends.she is so nice to me and so sweet.

so spartak called me last night but i wasnt home, so i called him back today after school and his mom answered in this scary russian accent saying he was alseep. and he never called, so i called him on his cell 2 times and he never picked up but then after the 2nd time he called me and we talked for a bit. but we couldnt hangout tonight like we planned because he was grounded.so he said he would call me tonight and never did and im all sad about that.i hate when guys dont call. thats something that really gets on my nerves.i just want a chance to be with him so i can figure this thing out.i need to know if i should blow him off,because i dont wanna get fucked over another time.not again.i like him SO much and i really just want to be with him but at the same time i want to distance myself from him.

Hes so charming.its hard to resist boys like that.i loveee guys like that.i really hope he calls tmro.if not then we are hanging out saturday for his lake party thing.he really wants to do that but i dunno the weather has been shitty.he had said he wants me to go so he can see me in a bikinni.i said im only wearing one if he does.lol.

Today was the last day of school. SUMMER HAS FINALLY ARRIVED BITCHES!im so glad.no more stupid fucking teachers to put up with for a while.im glad.no more mr.lapine. i fuckin HATE that guy.hate hate hate. but i love ms. spear she was always really nice.i liked mr grahm enough,and my pe teacher was ok.HATED my art teacher and im big on art. ive take it every year each semester.

I love art. its my passion.i love it.its the one thing i can do well.i even have one of my pencil drawings in the yearbook.woo.
the funniest guys where downtown tonight. it was funny because they attempted to hit on me and stevi and they failed. they were all thugged out stupid white kids from medford and we kinda ignored them, and when we got up to walk away they shouted hey if you need anything just call me! and shouted out their number really fast.i looked back and kinda laughed at them and we ran off because were cool like that i guess.then we wanted to drive by and get the number and call it to say something that margret cho says that me and kody are obbsesed with, but stevi wouldnt let us. they asked if we party and i said me and stevi do but not kody. then kody goes "ya im the security" and the guys like "oh security ok", and he was serious.

goddamnit my friends and my family are pissing me off latley.i listen to there probelms and give my imput and then they dont listen to mine at all.thats getting reall annyoing actually.i really listen to them and then when i have a probelm there sorta like oh ya that blows.can ANYONE get ANY support around here from anybody! JESUS.all i want right now is for someone to actually listen to me. to really listen and not just pretend to listen.i want to feel like i mean something to people.i dont feel like i mean anything to anyone and thats not a good feeling.
why is it so hard to sit down and listen to what i have to say?
i want to talk about it but noone actually gives a shit. it sucks.
i swear to god people only think about themselves.i get really frusterated.thats the reason why i like faith so much. shes so nice, and really listens to me.shes cheery and always happy and would always be there for me visa versa.im fucking sick of taking peoples shit. its making me so mad latley that i think i shouldnt talk to people for a little while.im just not doing real good right now.im all deppressed again, and this fuckin medication isnt working at all.i should go back up to 300mg.i dont want to sit in my room and cry for hours.i wonder if anyone knows how much i do that.its my only way to vent.i just get so upset and i really dont have anyone to talk to at this point and it blows.i really wanted someone to count on.i really dont want to be sad anymore.im really sick of it.

i want to move away. i want a new begining. away from the people that hurt me.leaving behind the people i love,that would be the only thing that really sucked if i left.but my family just tears me up.its too much.i just want them to love me,thats it.thats all.i feel like a worthless peice of shit.i need to hear something good. i need it right now, i need some help.

sometimes at night, i lay awake at night and i dont sleep. i just lay there and cry all night long.i cry until my eyes are red and swollen and they sting and then the next day i have a headache and im all pissed cuz i got no sleep.i think about how ive fucked up, how ive lost so much.my family breaks my heart.we might appear normal, but really, we are so fucked.i think i just want someone to love me,as lame as that sounds.its really all ive ever wanted.

the other nighti looked at my baby book.i cried rally hard.i was happy then.people loved me then.everything was so simple then, nothing could hurt me.i want the fuck out of here, i hate this life.i hate it so much.im sorry to be so negative but thats how i feel.it would be easier just to get shitfaced on days like this.

2004-06-09T09:39:00.000-07:00

"I could never be a woman. If I were, I would do nothing but sit at home all day playing with my breasts." Steve Martin

I have the worst headache right now! i hate headaches ALOT.tommorow is the LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! YAAAAYY!!!! im soooo excited.im wearing this teeny tiny white abercrombie lenin skirt today and uh there was a breeze. yes that was quite bad, and embaressing.oh well.i think im addcited to clothes and makeup and all that really annoying girly shit.i need to stop that.really.im annoying myself i think.

I got to school really early today and so i went and sat in the commons by myself, hoping to get some studying done for the science final tmro.well i got a little done but then creepy motherfucking larry came over and i just glared at him hoping he would fuck off, but instead he came behind me and wrapped his arms around me.WTF.hes just like " hey there beautiful". god larry GODDDDD!dieeeee.then,to add to my fun,stoner shawn rolled over to me on his little skate bored, and sat down and talked to me for a while.
then john bradley came over because shawn yelled at him calling him "muffy" and "the muff miester". so he came and sat with us and larry went away thank god, and then stoner shawn saw some girl he didnt even know holding a cake so he skated off into the night after the cake.then john bradley tried to hijack my pen.that was my morning.

I called jerwei last night.mistake.he was all surprised i called him, and didnt really want to talk to me because rayl was there, who was screaming "i like boobies!" in the backround really loud.me and him were going to hangout before he left forever but NOPE. he said hes too busy and shit. hes like " uh yea we can hangout when i come back to visit in july". im sure thats not gonna happen. he wont call me.jeez i cant even say goodbye.i guess i know how much i mean to him now.it still pisses me off that he disent give a shit.what an asshole.oh well whatever im not wasting anymore time on him hes being a jerk.its funny, whenever i talk to stevi about it she totally takes his side making me out to be the bad guy.thanks!kinda the oppistite of want i needed to hear.its lame,hes become her best friend so she talks to him and hangout with him way more than me.her choice tho.shes happy doing that so whatever.ive been calling her alot latley, and she never sounds all that happy to be talking to me.:(.jeez im trying, i dont know what to do.im done being really super upset about it and im done being mad at her all the time or mad at them or whatever. its not changing anything.im trying to make things good between us so we can hangout and have fun again.i dont know if thats really working.
i feel like im annoying her.so im going to leave her alone.i do get upset with her sometimes as do all people with there best friends, but i still love her like a sister.i dont think anything could take that away,unless she like joined the mafia,burned my house down and killed my family. that might do it.lol.

I've called her twice this week,early in the morning. she didnt like that at all. lol sorry steven.i think if i do that again she really will burn my house down.im going to try to get her to go on a camping trip with me and kody this summer. it wouldnt be as fun if she wasnt there so STEVI you need to come with us!Anyways, poor kody is getting one of those really awesomely FUN rootcanals today. hes gonna be all weird and drugged when he gets to school. i hope he gets more of the face numbing shit. that stuff is awesome.we all put it on our lips and tounge one day at lunch, and i walked around and talked like a retarded kid.

spartak your stupid and i hate you at the moment.call me! ;)

haaaa what?
I want to loose like 1381298390890583494859389584 pounds.i have to. im too fat. im too sick looking, and i need to look good in a bathing suit cuz im doing alot of the beach thang and the campin thang and the strip club thang.wait nvm.hey i was just a momento ago talking like a black woman.are you excited? you should be.i hate people with tiny little waste and there all skinny and shit. IT MAKES ME ANGRY. mostly because i do not look like that, im sure if i did i wouldnt be all hostile.goddamnit i am sick of being fatty magee.i guess im not all that fat, but still.IM HUGE.IM TAKING OVER AMERICA WITH MY HUGE FAT ASS.

and now...my favorite Margret Cho quotes:

"Thank God for gay men. Thank God for gay men, because if it were not for gay men, I would not talk to men at all."

"The National Enquirer published this thing called the "Chow like Cho Diet," which was this fake diet that I never went on, with all these fake quotes from me, like "When I was a little girl, I was raised on rice and fish. So when I get heavy, I go back to that natural Asian way of eating." ... That is so Mulan. You can almost hear the mandolin in the background. "When I was a little girl, I grow up on the rice paddy. And we have no food because this is before Sally Struthers."

"I gave a LOT of unnecessary head. And I know that guys are going to argue with me about this. "Oh, Margaret, there's no such thing as unnecessary head! All head is necessary! All head is wanted and needed in the world. I run a home for unnecessary head."

"The only thing that was sort of Asian [as a role model] was Hello Kitty. I don't want to model myself after Hello Kitty. She has no mouth."

"I think everyone should go on my diet. It's called the Fuck It Diet. Basically what it is is if I want to eat something but it has a lot of fat or carbs, I just take a moment, and I go within, and I say "Fuck it" and I eat it. You have to do it six times a day. It works really well with the Fuck That Shit Exercise Program."

this one is gross:"I helped deliver one of my best friend's children ... I just was so amazed by my friend, because she was just not just a woman, she was not just a mother. At that moment she was creation; she was life; she was God. And as I looked in her eyes, BOOM, her pussy exploded."

"A tip that will help more across the country is what Margaret has noticed about the chain restaurant Hooters. Hooters is great because women would never go to a restaurant named "Balls"."

2004-06-08T09:39:00.000-07:00

Went to reedsport this weekend. it wasnt too bad. i bonded alot with kendra who is such a sweetie, i love her and we are really close. and emily whos like my best friend. when she got up to give her speach,(she was validictorian) it was the best out of all of them. she sounded so smart and she looked so beautiful.i was so happy for her. shes really going to go places in her life.shes really going to make her self happy. i wish i could do the same.then we went to her graduation party which was great and had LOTS of awesome caterd food.so i got really fat and it was fun.i think i might be seeing alot of those guys this summer, since i will have nothing to do here. i actually just want to leave. i realized i have nothing here anymore, i just want to go away.i want to leave everything behind because i feel like people do not care,which really hurts.especailly when ive put so much into friendships and other things.its sad. it really is. ive gotten over the being mad part, now im just deppressed about it.i guess i shouldnt be so sad.they were the only reasons i stayed here.i shouldnt have stayed here.i shouldve left a long time ago.

I dont know what this summer will bring.mybe nothing. but hopefully,something good will happen to me.i like someone so much,and i dont know if he likes me but i think he might.i havent felt this way about someone for so long. its a good feeling, yet i dont want to feel that because im so afriad he will hurt me.please dont hurt me.i just want to be with him and at this point thats all i need.hes everything i could ever want.so funny and nice, outgoing,caring,attractive,and he dosent make me feel like shit, like some other people do.im going to see him in class today. i wonder what he will say to me.we havent called each other yet, but we have our numbers and we plan to hangout this summer.also i missed his party he invited me to this past weekend and i was PISSED.i wanted to go SO fuckin bad.then again i might just be a nobody to him. that would probably break my heart.oh well its not like it hasnt been broken a thousand times already,so i guess i should prepare myself now.i feel like ive waited so long for someone like this, i really dont want it not to happen.

When im around him, im so happy. im fucking glowing. but usually,latley ive been so sad, like before when i had a total breakdown.what can i do? really? goddamnit i dont want to feel like this anymore.i want to be happy.i want to stop crying all the time, because thats really all i do. you would be surprised how long someone can cry.i cry for hours because i cant stop and my eyes and so swollen i cant see.it hurts.i thought i would be able so have fun this summer, but somethings telling me that someone will make me upset,or something bad will happen.

Fuck it man.what the hell could i do? i cant change someone.i just dont want to let them go because the mean so much, and im so sick of losing people im close to.goddamnit i want this to STOP.your making me sad, and why am i not talking to you about it? because you will hate me, and your so rude to me anyways that i dont want to deal with it.why did u change? you were so fun to be around before. you act like hanging out with me is a chore,you would much rather be doing something else with someone else.why are you so mean?im not mean to you, i dont think i deserve to be treated with disrespect.i have always put in so much for you but i dont think you could ever see that.god, i wish that you would just care about me!do you care that we wont be hanging out because of this stupid shit?would that even matter to you at this point?im not trying to hint at you, im venting because i have noone to talk to. if you get it, mybe you will bitch at me,mybe not.i dont care.it will change nothing.when we do hangout you act like your so bored with me,like your so unhappy.your going to just brush me off,and thats it i guess.i wish i ment more to you than that. you havent shown me you cared.youve been so bitchy to me.you dont see it.goddamnit why does shit have to be so fucking gay and complicated? jesus i just want to hangout and have fun with my friends and my family.thats it!do you know your the source of 90% of my problems?im not saying im perfect i screw up alot, but i always care about you.i would always(and do).so return the favor.im not going to put up with people who are bitches or assholes to me. i will be that way right back. so if you say im being bitchy its because YOU are.im just "returning the favor".Im not going to be nice about this anymore and put up with your shit.or anyones shit.sucks that you gotta be that way.

You might ask yourself why the hell i write about all this personal crap in here. well i do it because this is my journal, this is where i vent my frustrations.my sadness. whatever.do i care if you read this? obviously not.i really dont care.if people want to judge me from this they can,and they will. but it will not make any difference in my life.im real, im not fake and stupid and bitchy.i am a smart person.i have alot of downsides to me, like how im negative and depperessed.im sure youll think of more,spare me your thoughts.but i can be fun. i want to be. i want to have fun.but things hold me back.being a teenager is so rediculous. im not saying im different from any of them.im just as dramatic.but i dont fit in.i dont like groups.i dont like clicks.haha funny tho, because i have one.i dont know why. im trying to branch out actually.why be friends with only certain people? thats fuckin lame.but i really do hate being a teenager.i want to grow up, mature, and move on from this life i have now.i want to learn new things. i want to love someone.i want to get out of this life!
i want support from my friends when i need it. i want support from my family when i need it.i really need it sometimes.i need to be reminded my friends care about me and my family.thats something i really need.

How often does someone call me just to say hi.how often does someone go out of their way for someone else?how often do people think about other people besides themselves?i hate selfish people.i HATE them.im trying to make changes myself.all people have things we need to work on to change to become the best we can be.i want to be the best i can be.like the army YAY.haaaa no im kidding.im comming out of my shell.im not afriad anymore.the world sure as hell cant be perfect, but im pretty sure it could get better.

Dear Jerwei: sorry i have frusterated you so many times.sorry that i screwd up so many times.im sad your moving but i hope that you find happieness. i hope you meet someone great.i hope that person makes you happy. you will go far in your life.i hope to at least talk to you before you leave. if not then goodbye and goodluck.

2004-06-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

Hey kiddies!

Today is HALF over. im excited.i guess. i want to go home and tan and work out like yesterday.that would be nice.This morning i was talking to steven about kicking a guy in the balls if he does something really bad to you, and she thinks thats a "low blow". well i guess it is litterally.haaaa.anyways...if a guy did anything to me i wouldnt hesitate. i mean it still would have to be bad, but if they hurt me i hurt em back.im not gonna poke them in the eye. nono. im gonna kick them HARD. and i have really strong legs so watch yo back.thats right bitches.dont be all afriad to talk to me now, i will only kick your wittle balls if u do something HORRBILE.otherwise ill just poke you in the eye.TEEHEE.i said my last post was going to be my LAST POST but hey um im a liar mmkay.hey guess what last night i had a nightmare about whoppie goldberg and how she dosent have eyebrows.ya that dream sucked. i like the dreams with the naked abercrombie models.those are nice dreams.i really like them alot yes i do.goddamn i have shit to do but i cant FIND IT, mother! its funny sometimes when i say "mother!" people think im actually referring to someones mom.awwwwwww NO.god the sighn whith whoppie goldberg on it is telling me to read. I wont listen to a woman with no eyebrows. lunch time, TA TA.

2004-06-01T09:27:00.000-07:00

BIATCH!

2004-06-01T08:20:00.000-07:00

I think this might be my last post because kody made me a Livejournal and wants me to use that.yes it will be tragic for you all not to read my blog anymore but you can read my live journal! YAY. its almost summer. sooo close. almost there. only like another week and im DONE. well until next year.:(

So the whole thing with jerwei didnt work out and he's being really fuckin immature about it.i fuckin HATE when he does that,its total bullshit.he dosent even wanna be my friend or talk to me at all now which i find really lame.he either wants to be in this intense realationship or nothing at all.hello!? YOUR FUCKIN MOVING! i think i have a pretty good fuckin reason why i dont want a realationship.it wouldnt work out and it would be too hard on me, of course he didnt consider that at all because he dosent fucking CARE.i think its sad that we have to be all fighting and we've only been talking for mybe two weeks from the 6 months where we werent talking.im so sick of this drama queen bullshit.and another thing that pissed me off was that him and stevi played some strip game together. wtf?
i wasnt happy with stevi for that or him.if i wouldve went off and played striping games with rayl stevi wouldve shit herself.and i would never do that. i dunno why she did that.
im mad for alot of different reasons. i remember that night at the park when he said how he was "overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing", and then now he pulls that same shit on me again.a while ago i texted him about his little strip game and he was just worried about if i returned his video! agh asshole.haha its funny too because i havent returned it and he's going to have a late fee.he was acting like it was my fault his movies late, he's the one who left it at my house! i just said ill return it but i wont pay his fee.LAME LAME LAME.as long as jerwei acts like this he's not going to be able to function in a normal realationship.he needs to grow up,sorry to say.i dont hate him or anything like that im just mad at him, an im not going through that whole thing that happend again last time.

I know what he's going to do too. he's going to ignore me and not talk to me about this or anything and be all weird until he leaves and then it will go back to not talking. except this time it wont be for 6 months. it will be never again.either way, the status of our friendship all depends on him.if hes not going to be able to handle a friendship then im done putting effort into him.im fucking over this people! i want to find a nice normal guy who isnt a drama queen and like wanting to rape me every 5 seconds or anything, like larry...ew.i just want someone to care about me and be loved for who i am, i dont want to change to fit someones needs, and i want so badly to love someone back. i really am sick of holding back. i never ever really let myself go emotionally.i want to be with someone who wont cheat on me or fuck me over.i just want a good experience.
you cant get that with highschool boys.

This summer is going to be a good time for me to grow and figure out some things. i can feel myself getting older,and time seems to be passing more quickly.i need to go out and do things for myself,i need to become a part of my family again.i need to work on loving myself and the people i care about.i think i could meet some boys this summer and who knows what could happen.

Last friday in English we went in a feild trip to the shcnider(cant SPELL!) musuem(?) and spartak and me have been talking alot in class latley and he was taking hannah and brady in his car and asked me if i wanted to go.so i did and me and him worked together the entire time.hes really cool, and nice and friendly.hes kinda weird but hes cool overall.hes confusing the hell out of me tho. i cant tell if hes flirting with me because he totally acts like it and he winks at me alot.who the hell winks at someone? lol!anyways and hes all touchy feely which i sometimes like if i like the guy and hes cute, but i heard he has a gf.so that blows. he didnt tell me that himself tho.he was rea;;y sweet.he opened the door for me and stuff and was just awesome.i thought about asking for his number or something but i think its too early to do that.im just going to try to be friends with him because i dont know what his intentions are.

I think kodys still mad at me about his little meeting i didnt go to, because i went shopping with my mom. i dont think he even believes that.i think its kinda dumb to be that mad at me,i can understand if he wasnt happy about it but when i called him he sounded like he really didnt want to talk to me.i told him id still do stuff for him and all, all i am is the makeup/wardrobe person so i dont think its the end of the world.but hes soooooo into this movie.well fine he can be all upset but i dont think thats going to fix things.

i hope he dosent get in over his head about the movie thing.
he malkes it sound like its a big motion picture, lol. i think its cool hes doing it tho it sounds like it will turn out cool.but im just doing this thing for fun and hes all dead serious about it like its my job.im doing it to be nice and i thought it would be fun, i wasnt thinking he was going to get upset about me not being at the meeting. oh well, theres not anything i can do.kody i luv ya dont be mad.

2004-05-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

Im so fuckin tired right now i can hardley keep my eyes open. so if i dont spell anything right cut me a break, im feeling half dead right now, MMKAY?

blah theres so much shit to talk about im almost too lazy to even begin.lets just start off by saying me and jerwei are talking again.which is good, but things never work out how i think there going to with him.and he always gets mad at me. or gets his heart broken. or whatever.i cant really help the broken heart thing. really, its not like i perposly try to hurt him.i really care about him.i just said i like him. and we sorta talked about giving a realationship a go,tuesday night.but then,yesterday we where hanging out i had ment to try to clear up somethings with him.i didnt feel like i was in a realationship at that point. its kinda near impossible to not talk to someone for 6 months and then all the sudden jump into a realtionship. i figured he would be hesitant about it but that wasnt exactly how it was.i was just thinking like omg hes not even gonna be here all fucking summer, im really never going to actually see him.i thought oh yea i could go up to my aunts house, except my parents wouldnt drive me there.
it would be so fucking stressfull and horrbile for me i think. i would be all torn up about it, and i just dont want to do that. i do like him,thats really not the problem. the problem is hes moving.i just dont know how the hell the could actually workout. what if he meets someone there? what if i meet someone here over the summer or something?

I dont know what to do! i dont want him to feel rejected because thats not it....and im pretty sure thats probably what he feels like i dont really know why i thought it could workout. mybe because i wanted it to so bad,so i just told myself it would. i guess i wasnt really thinking about it. if he was staying here the story would be different.i dont want to get emtionally attached to him.and then have him leave. that would fucking suck.i was talking to my dad lastnight about long distance realtionships, and he said 90% of the time they dont work, and it totally sucks.it would be too hard on both of us.i want to spend alot of time with him before he leaves,and of course ill keep in contact with him when he does leave.i dont want to fight again. i dont want to loose him again.like last time.that would be gay, we've already been through all that shit.

i really just wanted him to know i liked him before he left.i dont know why i just felt like he needed to know that.no hes pissed at me.greeeeaaaaat.i dont understand because he said lasttime this happend he made a bug deal of nothing and how he was overreacting.
well, hes kinda doing the same thing now.

Annnawyas enough oif that. wow that sentace was fuckede. im so tired.tirefffedd.
when me and jerwei walked homeyesterdayyio saw larry fuckin rogers comming down the street,shitless and he said hi to me and stuffm,asked how i was and i just didnt responf i kkept walking,because i fukcin can cant damnit.mother fukcer something is oreange on me pants! TEE EE.mmk bye!

2004-05-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

Well let me say. THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!i had the best weekend ever and it was great.it was just me and my dad,and we went shopping all day saturday and then went to the Zoo and OMSI on sunday.and i got to see my cousin and she has an aligator which is fucking weird.its only about a foot long but it will get to be pretty big.i have no fucking idea how they got it either.then there stupid ass goats chased me around trying to bite me because there crazy.I really wanted to see Dana but we only had so much time,so i never got around to it.saturday i was in heaven all day long.i went in every store that im obsessed with,i was in Bananna Republic for like an hr and a half.lol.i got some really cool shit too.i went into Abercrombie&Fitch and it was fucking great because no chicks worked there it was only guys and omg let me tell you....YUMMY.they all looked just like the models.there was this guy with a forgien accent and he was all FINE and he winked at me and i think i tripped a little after that.

I went into Nordstroms and i went in Saks fith Avenue and i saw all the Gucci and Prada purses. one i liked was 1,186$.
JESUS. that fuckin better be made of solid gold for me to buy that.it was awesome in all its glory.i got to touch it.it was glowing. ok so it wasnt glowing,but that wouldve been cool.Anyways,we stopped for lunch at subway and i think it was really a weird chruch in disguise because after we got our sandwhiches the guy said "bless you" like 3 times.wtf?

So ive decided,for sure,that im moving to portland soon after i graduate next year.im going to school there(i dont know what school)and im going to get a start out job at the Clinique makeup counter.hey,it does pay 15-19$ an hr.ill take it.and you dont have to have schooling for that either.
that job would be SO fuckin easy.and i love makeup.in a more artistic way.also im a compleate girly girl and everyone already knows that.i figured i would look around for a good apartment my parents would help me with,and then i would be all set up.of course im terrified of the futre,but if i have some sort of a plan, i think ill be fine.i know everyone starts out poor when there young,(that will be me) but i wont care because ill be happy,and ill be in charge of my own life.ive actully had a couple plans. one was to move to eugne,live in the dorms and go to lane.i really dont know anything about it, but ive heard its good.
my other (shitty) plan was to stay here. hey,uh NO THANKS.
i dont feel like i belong in a small town. i belong in a city.with alot of stuff goin on all the time,with new places i cna always explore.and it will be so different from Ashland.ashland isnt that bad of a place,i just want more opertunites.i need that.and jesus christ the shopping,oh the shopping.portland i love you.

I kinda hate when i call people i havent seen in a while or even just when i call, and they dont sound happy to talk to me.i dont want to talk to someone who isnt happy to even tlak to me,waste of my fuckin time.so if thats what you usually sound like when i call you, im not gonna call anymore.YAY.

Anyway,i met alot of hot guys up there.new guys. nice guys. attractive guys. alot of them,and it was so different from here.sure there are attractive people,but i sorta feel like alot of guys here a dicks and i would like to meet a decent fuckin human being to be with.not a pshyco,not a jerk,and not a obsessive freak.does NORMAL even exist anymore? Me and my dad went to Baskin Robins,for some reason and there was a guy working there that looked exactly like pat,but not ugly and not short.so i guess nothing like pat,lol.
One night we went to red robin for dinner,and we got a table next to a livley bunch of girls.all real heavy girls,all bling blinged out,and they were really loud and obnoxious.one of them looked over at my shoes and she said "Damn girl,them some shinny shoes yous got on."
i didnt really say anything except for "yeah i know"
and then the other one went off "Girrrrl you fine honey,yous be lookin good tonight." so i said thanks.but then they kept on talking and they would clap everytime the waiters did the happy birthday thing.there was this lady at the Clinique counter who saw me and said "omg can i put makeup on you!?" so i said yes and went and sat down.she looks at me and said "You are so pretty and your skin is gorgous". that was one of the nicest things anyones ever said to me.then i bought 90$ of their stuff.lol.

Me and my dad got along SO well. i didnt know he was even capable of being so cool.i asked him if he would get me a Corona when we were at a store,even tho i was kidding. then he came back with one.COOL.in the car he let me blast music loud,and we listend to whatever i wanted.so cool.so aweosme.
everything was awesome.i used the word awesome alot in this.
ew.

Hey im done

BYEEEEEEE

2004-05-19T08:09:00.000-07:00

Hey Mofos.Im going to portland this weekend. im really excited.we havent been able to go for awhile,so we get to go this weekend.im SO excited.this is going to be awesome.its going to be just me and my dad,and i think we are going to the zoo,and then we are going shopping ALL DAY!and my dad is going to HATE that more than anything in the world.im excited because they have good stores up there like Bananna repulic,abercrombie,Bebe,and other really good stores that arnt in medford.anyways so thats totally awesome.

Oh by the way i really hate all boys.did i mention that? i think i did like,7000 times.
i just pretty much lost all respect for them as of yesterday.long story,and i dont feel like going off about it.you dont want to hear it anyway.really.i think mybe some boys could be nice. but not any i know.nope.and i think there all afriad of me because they think im a crazy pshyco femmenist/lesbian.and im not.but i do think its funny how alot of people think that.i dont really think they think im a lesbian tho.just crazy femmenist.
so ive decided to compleatly cut Jermey out of my life.its sad because i really liked him as a friend and more, and if he cant have stevi he wants nothing to do with either of us.its total bullshit.hes mad at her,and now for some reason he wont even talk to me! wtf did i ever do to him?!jesus christ what an asshole.so he ignores me now.great.AWESOME.thats weird,because when i was talking to him on the phone he said he didnt want to end up like Alex,that he loved hanging out with us,and all this shit. then he was like "we should go to lunch sometime" and i got all excited and i said "you and me"? and he goes "yea,you,me,stevi if she wants to come..." yea so i said no.i also got pissed at him when he said he would come over when my parents were gone and he instead went off and smoked a bowl.LAME.

latley ive really been needing someone to talk to.i cant talk to my friends. i try but they arnt supportive.i just want someone to listen to me and mybe try to make me feel better. i do that for them all i can.but i dunno.i dont feel important to them,and it kinda sucks.especially stevi,sometimes she acts like she realllly dosent give a shit.i kinda hate that,but i think thats just how she is.oh well.i mean i love stevi,but i feel like she dosent care about me alot of the time.shes too tied up in her busy life.which now revolves around rayl.there "thing" is confusing me. but as long as it makes her happy then thats good.

Why is the libraian such a stupid bitch?shes bitch at everyone today. jesus christ woman!
calm down.im assuming her life is very stressful.ya know,being a libraian.whew.tough shit right there man.i bet she gets only 8 hours of sleep a night! MY GOD.and i think her sex life must be horrible.thats why shes always in a bad mood.poor old sexless woman type thing.its tragic really.i mean gawd, she has to put books away and do nothing EVERY DAY! i dont understand how she can get through her day like that.damn.i swear to god, if she comes over her again im gonna bitch slap that mofo into the middle of next week.
WATCH OUT BIATCH HERE I COME!

hey,Kyle Ramlow,SHUTTHEFUCKUP.why does he just keep talking and talking and TALKING.i want to beat him.now.with this very keybored.that would be so funny,i just get up and wack him with the keybored.tempting.really tempting.the whole time hes been laughing hysterically about nothing.NOTHING.i keep glaring at him,but he thinks im checking him out.GREAT.thats really great.so he keeps smiling at me,and im about to laugh really hard.
i dont think kyle has a penis.really.i dont.ewww my old health teacher is looming near.she used to treat the class like babies. i shouldve just eaten the crayons she gave us. hey i have to go....i have a class now.SICK.well im off to kill kyle and go to pe,BY KIDDIES!

2004-05-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

I curse him because im still alive
its hurting everyone else inside
theres no glimmer of hope that i'll ever survive
but if i do,ill just blame you and take my own life before its through
rotting away in a place i call home
the only place where i can be all alone
the only place where i can crack a smile and cry and pretend it was all worth while
Breathing still,is such a chore
apart from all the blood and gore
all the screaming,all the fights
take place here,every night
in this old house so full of tears
suffocating me in all my fears
i grab the gun,and stand tall
smearing blood all over the wall
and the only thing they will remember me by
is knowing today was the last day i cried.

2004-05-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

This week is a short week.no school friday.i love 3 day weekends.actually anything that isnt involving school is a party for me.This weekend sucked pretty hard,except for most of saturday.i went to the mall with Faith and Kody.it was actually kodys idea which was funny. he called and said "wanna be total girls and go to the mall?"lol.so we wandered around for a couple hours, and i got the chance to make kody go in Victorias secret.it was halarious.he hated every second of it,as i threw thongs in his face, and held up underwear to him.actually,every guy ive ever gone to the mall with i have made go in there.actually we made him go in every very-girly store in the mall.im sure he absoulutly loved every minute.as would every guy.

This weekend was prom.i didnt go,but i plan to next year because im not graduating from highschool without going to prom.that would be lame and sad.im going,even if that means im taking an inflatbale date,lol.I saw the creepiest movie ive ever seen this weekend to make up for my boredom.its called May and i dont sugest you see it unless you dont feel like sleeping for a couple weeks and like being utterly disturbed.i had always wanted to see the movie,just thinking it would be some regular scary movie,but it wasnt at all.the entire time i was watching it all that was going through my head was "what the fuck?!"i think you'll think the same if you see it.its about this socially retarded girl,with a lazy eye,and she grows up to be a total freak/pshyco with good intentions but they turn deadly. she wants to make friends and attempts realtionships which fail because the people see how fucked up she is,and get creeped out.her moms advice is,if you cant find friends,make one.
in all these people she sees one beautiful thing,like a body part.with this guy she likes its his hands,with a girl she works with its her neck,ect.when she gets upset with these people,she cuts them up,using only the part she likes of them and makes it into a life size doll,"her friend".
the end sceen was the most disturbing of all,because she plucks out her lazy eye with a pair of sisscors,and lays down next to the dead doll thing and then it reaches over and strokes her FACE! ITS SO FUCKED UP!the movie has weird affects on you,because it makes you feel really sorry for her,but scared as shit.it has sad parts as well.its sad she cant even maintian a realationship with a cat,which she ends up killing and carrying around for weeks petting it after its dead.then she puts it in her freezer.for some reason i always love movies that are too fucked up for everyone else. not because im going to kill people and make dolls or freeze my dead cat,but because there so shocking.
im gonna make kody see it this week.

anyways hope i didnt ruin the movie for you,except i know i did. YAY.im going to go think about happy things now,not frozen kittys.:o

2004-05-14T20:56:00.000-07:00

Im bored and its friday night and i dont have anything cool to do. steven and hannahster are GONE for a whole....whopping 3 days.on a crew thing.good luck girls!
i talked to Heather and Jennifer today.surprisingly,it wasnt that awkward. there still the same. i really miss those guys tho.heather is still really sweet and i havent talked to jen near as much, but shes nice too.i would enjoy hanging out with them again.i think i might persue that.
jen isnt going anywhere for college, she said shes just gonna stay here for a couple years.and she said she has annoying scary stalkers. i guessed pat and ben. ding ding ding! that was too easy.ben seemed nice when i knew him so i dunno,apparently hes creepy.then i told her about my two stalkers. that was great fun. i guess.haha, its funny someone like me even has a stalker.how absurd.but its only larry and some other person who will remain nameless for certian reasons.

I think my favorite thing in the entire world is strawberries.there so awesome. im so excited we just got a shit load of em.my life is compleate.I really need to cure kody of his Kill Bill obsession.its getting annoying. and sad.he always whistles that little song and its giving me a brain tumor im sure of it.

My dog is the cutest thing ive ever seen.all i need is strawberries and my dog and mybe a naked Adam Brody (*WINK!*)and ill die a happy girl.im getting all annoyed because of my allergies.SPRING SUCKS.actually spring dosent suck.allergies do tho.spring is the most beautiful time of year i think.except i cant fucking breath.and i sneeze every 30 seconds.actually i just want it to be summer like every other kid.only...19 more days i think.GOD IM SO EXCITED MAN!its going to kick ass.and i will be more tan then i am now.and i am going camping and doing happy things everyday.and im going to fucking drive because this is starting to get rediculous,and embaressing.if i dont, then i will be like 35 riding a bike. NO!

i sugest you start listening to BrandNew.i just realized im obsessed with that band.
I sprayed my brother in the face with Pam today.it was awesome.

hey uh.....LOOK OVER THERE!

2004-05-13T08:43:00.000-07:00

I had a shitty day yesterday.so if i was being unusally mean to you,heres why,and if it wasnt unusall then that means im always mean to you and you deserve it, assface. ;)

the second i get to school larry has to come in and rape me and be all annoying and he wont just fucking DIE.thats usually a bad start, because i had to deal with his shit all through class. i couldnt just say "get the fuck out of my face,phsyco" because there was teachers around and shit.
anyways so yea thats always nice,then,i went to science and and david was being really fucking weird the entire time,he wouldnt talk to me but he was staring at me alot.im pretty much gonna say thats the end of us.at one point he came over to me and camilles group and would talk to her, but not me.OK?hes really fucking dumb.cute, but dumb as shit.seriously, a pile of shit is smarter than david.thats not a joke either.if you leaned down and talked to a pile of shit, youd get a much better(and smarter) response than any answer from david.anyways,and then we had a bunch of little first grade fuckers in there and we had to show them all the wetland crap,even tho they really didnt care and just wanted to kill frogs.i set my backpack in a corner,and it had $10 in it. when i went to buy lunch i couldnt find my money.i know one of the little shitheads stole it.
then i had to go outside and make sure noone died in the 1 inch deep frog pool.including frogs.i sat down on the cement thing by the tree out side hartmans class, and i sat in a HUGE pile of gum.then to make it even more AWESOME i walked around like that for an hr until camille told me that i had gum all over my ass.im sure that was hot.larry wouldve thought so,lol.

So,i was pissed,i was hungry,had a headache,and gum all over my ass. think its PMS? think again! David has also been stressing me out alot this week. everything will return to normal next week im sure.so then,when i got home my dad said we couldnt go to portland as planned for the weekend. i had been looking forward to that for over a month.he didnt want to,he wanted to play golf instead. GAY!
so i guess im going next weekend.even tho these things are kinda small,my dad always seems to make bullshit promises he cant keep and im fucking tired of it.he shouldnt say we can go,he shouldve said no in the first place.he did that with the appartment thing too.anyways,i was upset from my whole day,and whenever something goes wrong i just keep it inside until i feel like im going to kill somebody.like everything builds up and i just freaked out.the huge fight with them didnt help either. my dad did manage to call me "phsyco" and a bunch of other really nice things.
im just really emotionally exhausted.my eyes hurt SO badly.they hurt so bad lastnight that i couldnt sleep.mybe i am phsyco.i dont really care anymore.either way i dont feel any better.i feel like shit.all the time.then i have a breakdown. and im good for a while. then it happens again. its a lovley cycle.i called my friends but i couldnt reach any of them.i really needed to talk to someone but i couldnt so that sucked.

oh , and did i talk about how i im in love with jerwei of all people now,and hes graduating soon and going to washington or someplace? yea, im too late.
nooes ever been as nice to me. nooes eve cared about me the way he once did.i want to tell him, but i promised him i wouldnt fuck up his life anymore long ago.it compleatly blows. i fucked up really badly, and i deserve to feel this way. i totally deserve it.im not questioning anything.the main reason i dont want to do anything is because hes leaving.but that dosent mean he would like me again either.
i remember when he brought flowers to my house.that was so cute.he was the first guy to ever do that.im gonna be alone forever.

2004-05-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

When i opened my eyes, it was still raining.when i closed them, it was still raining.
the small amount that i did sleep,i was having nightmares.about horrible, horrible things.

most of which had never happened except for one thing. i had one about my mom,being diagnosed with cancer again.it was so vivid and realistic because ive seen it all before.
i remember it like it happened yesterday.sitting in my room trying to sleep late at night,and all i could here was my mom crying quietly in her room because she was in so much pain.but by then i was used to this,because i heard it every single night.I felt so damn bad and i wanted to suck it all out of her and give her my health.but unfortunetly, i couldnt do that.i couldnt heal her.and seeing her like that was killing me.

I realized my life was pretty easy when i found out about how hard moms was.Beaten as a child by her alchoholic dad,pregnant when she was 17.(and no she didnt have the baby)and diagnosed with colon cancer three times.yea that would tend to make it all pretty fuckin shitty.and a small part of her died when she got cancer.she wasnt the same.and we missed that.we all missed it alot.also a big part of me died when i saw her like that.when she first came home.ive also never been the same since.im angry at the world. blame god,blame docters for not getting it earlier.blame genetics.instead i just blamed everyone.it was easier.im learning slowly still,how to not hate everything.i know what your thinking.your thinking im a bitch, that i should be lucky to have my mom alive today.well your right,but it still dosent mean it had to happen to her.

Im still afraid shes gonna get it again. i dont tell her that of course.but its always in the back of my mind.I will always feel guilty because i know i havent made her life easier.im sorry for that.im a bad person, and i know this.if i could change tommorrow,i would. But i dont know how.i think i have to be happy first.

2004-05-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

Im not sure what ive been feeling latley. mostly saddness and confusion.sad for a thousand reasons.this weekend was weird. it was ok, but just really...fuckin weird.my parents left me home alone for the weekend and headed off to reedsport for mothersday.it was SO nice having the house to myself.friday night i had kody over for a while and then david came over. i dont really know david all that well, he just always comes up and talks to me and hes kindof dumb.hes nice tho.anyways,so he came over,and then kody left after a while.without saying bye. and he stole my staple gun. lol. anyway so me and david just sat on the couch talking for a long time, and he did a little drinking when kody was here so i didnt.then at one point,we were both sitting on the loveseat really close to each other.he just kept staring at me as i was talking,and we were flirting and being weird.then our faces got really close but he didnt kiss me for a long time.then suddenly he did. then he stopped and said "should we take this somewhere else?"i didnt really understand why he'd say that, it wasnt like people were home or anything.anyways i said sure and he grabbed my hand and lead me down the hall into my parents room.immediatly i got kinda weirded out.we both layed on the bed and started making out for a while.hes not a great kisser.at all.i could very much tell hes inexperienced.im not sure hes had ANY.anyway we just kept making out and then he stopped and said "should we have sex?" i laughed for a while and said "uhhh i dont think that would be a good idea".he started to get all sad,and he said"so should we mess around now?" thats when i laughed really fuckin hard.when he was kissing me he didnt really use his tounge, so when i did he kinda freaked out. it was funny. actually the entire thing was halarious.he had no idea what the fuck he was doing. at one point he was trying to take my clothes off and he couldnt. so he got all frusterated and just stuck his hand down my shirt,lol.then his cell rang and it was his dad and he jumped out of bed and said "i gotta go". it was only 12:30.he walked into the living room as i sat there compleatly confused and pissed off.so iwalked into the living room and said bye in a way so he could tell i was mad. then he came and just hugged me and left, and told me to call him. haha, and i didnt. i didnt even want to.i dont like him. i think i was just bored.im sorta just taking what i can get at this point.josh bugged me alot about wanting to have a "hottub" party.lol,david did too actually.but that never happend.
even tho david isnt all that smart,he did say some sweet things to me.i know we wont end up dating or anything and thats fine because those werent my intentions with him.

jermey called twice saying he wanted to hangout,but he never did end up comming over.that was the thing that made me sad.ive always kinda liked him,but it dosent matter because hes in love with stevi,who dosent like him.even when i talk to him all he talks about is her. it fuckin sucks.he could be such a great boyfriend but i know he dosent like me like that,and it wont change.

it really sucks.

2004-05-07T08:59:00.000-07:00

ITS FRIDAY!!!yay. and im actually really excited because i get the house all to myself this weekend. I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT!its soooo incredibly awesome.and im going to have boys over late at night and that always leads to ......happy things.lol. :) anyways yea so its gonna kick ass.im thinking of having stevi,hannah... if her mom isnt a whore,faith,jermey,josh,david,and thats it. i would love for kody to come but if theres going to be alchohol im sure he would hate that. so ill invite him over the next day if he wants to hangout. we tried to get alchohol from garret but hes not "doing that anymore". GODDAMNIT.
david wants me to have a party but i dont feel like having my house be a huge fuckin mess.i dont want people breaking shit and puking everywhere and kicking holes through my wall. thats what happend when me and molly threw one. then her and sean steves had sex.in front of me. it was really tramatizing.i hid in the bathroom for 3 fucking hours. then i came out and threw a shoe at them when they were goin at it. it was sooo funny.sean probably hated me for that. so yea i like david now, and i know i shouldnt,but i cant help it.i know hes kinda stupid but hes a nice kid and hes cute and i dunno. it would be fucked up if he just came over and we messed around because ive done that more then once when i was drunk with a guy friend and it NEVER ends well.i feel like i need to get to know him better. not saying that we dont do anything in the futre tho.lol.i wonder how a realationship would be with him? the only reason i wouldnt is because of camille and they dated for awhile and i think she might hate me if i did that.id much rather be her friend then go out with david or anything.friends are more important than boys.boys can be fun,but latley ive realized not to take them seriously.i shouldve realized that years ago.guess im not a real fast learner.ha.all i know is i never want to feel the pain of being in love again. ive only been in love once,what i thought was something real.yea ive been hurt alot but that wasnt like the real love for someone i felt.but what do i know, im only a dumb highschool girl.mybe someday, ill meet someone who isnt a onenight stand.

im freezing.im wearing a skirt.i shouldnt have today its cold out.Art class was really lame yesterday.we had to go to a art show,but the stuff there was awesome.i shouldve put my shit in there. you know who i hate now? ive decided i do hate ryan.i used to be like oh bla bla i hope your happy but no. i dont think he deserves to be happy. and thats not because of what happend between us at all. its because he dosent give a fucking shit about people and hes an asshole.he dosent deserve shit.he fucking takes everything for granted and dosent apperciate anyone.hes never going to learn that dumb motherfucker. mybe one day he will realize hes an asshole when hes all alone with no friends.

ok i gtg LATER

2004-05-04T08:05:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting 3 day weekend. good and bad. boring and exciting.funny and...sad? sure that works.
funny thing is i cant even remember what i did thrusday night so i guess i cant tell you about that so much.i think it was friday night that me and kody wandered downtown. we walked around in the park making fun of people for a bit and being stupid, then we walked up in the park and saw katie and her boyfriend. THERE SO GROSS. it was funny because we were totally ripping on them, and they were walking not far behind us.EW.
then we called stevi on her cell, but she didnt answer.and i had invited her to hangout with us earlier but she said she had to sell car wash tickets. then we got pissed because we saw her down there with her skanky friends. and she saw us(she says she didnt so i dunno) and wouldnt come say hi to us. that pissed me off. so we just kept walking. the more i thought about it the more mad i got. then we came back and we sat on a bench across the street and where she could see us. she looked in our direction and started walking twords us. we figured shed come say hi but, instead she took ashley by the arm and kept walking. i got so mad and upset that i wanted to go yell at her. but i didnt.so me and kody decided we arnt gonna wait around for her to be free. we just went and hung out with a shit load of other people. a horribile night actually turned into a really good night.we hung out with genny,allie,and tessah for a while. then i wanted to leave because pat said hi to me and i got all disgusted, but i said hi anyways. then we hung out with courtney for a tiny bit and she drove us to collin's party, which i figured would be lame because its COLLIN. but it was actually pretty good. we met some new people. i met this guy named casey who is really,really fucking HOT. he was all nice to me and wanted me to come back, but i left because behind me i heard "hey kate" and i turned around and there was pat,again.i kinda hate when he talks to me.bad memories.he broke my heart i want nothing to do with him. it makes me want to vomit. he such an ass, he probably relized he dosent have any friends so hes gonna try to get his old ones back. HA good luck with that one. i really wanted to drink i didnt because kody was there and he would hate me if i did. so then we walked home and mosquitos ate me.

the next day i called stevi, because i knew she wouldnt call me. and we had an interesting little conversation which was mostley me cussing her out. but everything is ok now, and we're all cool.the next day was kodys birthday and that was fun. well i gtg, ill write later.

2004-04-30T08:56:00.000-07:00

YAY friday. thankfuckinggod.and its almost summer so WOO.stevi came over yesterday,that was cool. we talked about rayl most of the time but it was still fun none the less. MY FEET HURT LIKE.... FUCK. because,can you possbibly imagine how much FUCK would hurt? MY GOD.yea they hurt like a bitch and im pissed. i got my hair highlighted yesterday,and i sorta hate it. at first i loved it,now i think i look too much like a skunk. the front is REALLY blonde.like somkeone threw bleach in my face. i had it done at leons place,and kendall is his daughter and she came in an talked to me ,which NEVER happens at school. weird. WEIRD. we used to kinda be friends then i got in a fight with her and that was the end of that.that was when i hung out with molly,her,kendall,jonah,ew sean,jen,and a bunch of druggy skanky hoes. HOT.mollys the one who i have a big problem with. kendall is spoiled but she can be nice. i havent talked to jonah or sean and i dont want to know what there like now. they probably fuck each other all the time. and jen ...got mad at me for never calling her and partying with her. EW LARRY ROGERS IS SITTING NEXT TO ME WTF WTF WTF. ok so larry rogers PLEASE DIE RIGHT NOW YOU CREEPY MOTHERFUCKER! what the hell? hes been told to fuck off so many times yet HES ALWAYS BACK. shit, hes like the termanator. oh my god im a huge dork. anyways he just left THANK GOD. i cant deal with him. i just cant. at all. he sat here and talked to me for an HOUR. TOO LONG. he just is like, "oh kate you are so beautiful,promise me youll never become a prostitute because you would look bad as a prostitute." wtf? yea sorry guys but im gonna be a prostitute. larry said he had 300$ and he wanted to spend it on me and buy me clothes and shit. WHAT? i said i couldnt let him do that but hes like "NO i insist!" jesus christ. hes really starting to creep the fuck out of me. as is some other nerdy weird sophmore who is just like "HEY im a slut, do me"! he flirts like hes a little girl. i dont want to flirt with a little girl.NO. MMMK? mmk. i talked to kody about it last night and he forbid me to do anything with him because hes so dumb and immature and horny. i can see myself getting super pissed at him, because he thinks hes SUCH hot shit and hes not and hes a total flirt. so yea,no. im still on the serch for decent human beings. not stupid asses like...that guy.

speaking of stupif asses, Travis Bishop is crowned the king of them as of yesterday. hes the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived besides kai.he was trying to be all flirty,and he fucked up our project and screamed like a woman when a fly was near him.i told him that if he didnt shut the fuck up i would lean over and poke him in the eye. he laughed and continued to be a moron so i took a marker and stabbed him HARD right in the eye! SCORE. 10 points for me. he hates me now but i could give a shit.and parker just is really afriad of me.its funny.
BYE!

2004-04-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

Whoops, im late for math again. meaning im not going obviously. oh well thats a shame, im going to hell.
i look like a fucking retard today. im wearing overalls. HOT.i feel nerdy in these. i dont have to dig too deep either.im listening to Fenix Tx right now. i hate them but i listen to them anyway. i dont get it. it makes me feel like beating up mike,except i do that alot anyway. haha,i made him cry twice this week. little brothers SUCK.he was being an ass anyway so he deserves it. hes 13,and he thinks hes 25. he had a lighter,and i tried to make him get ride of it because i dont want him smoking,hes fucking 13 years old thats rediculous.But nothing makes me madder than someone whos younger than me talking down to me. actually anyone who talks down to me. that will pretty much make me want to hurt them. lol.

stevi has a blog. a real one where she talks about real stuff. there is one post that really worried me because i think its about me, and its pretty agressive. i talked to her about it and she denys its about me, but i dunno. i really hope it isnt.it would make me sad if it was.i try so hard to be a good friend to her.so yea, i dunno whats goin on.i think everything will be fine.i wish she was more serious sometimes.

yesterday walking home from school,i apporched some sweaty basketball guys and they all stopped playing and said hi and whistled at me and it was pretty funny. one had long hair and looked like zack hanson. i know someone who wouldve freaked out because of that.but nope sorry it wasnt him. *tear*
(i dont really like zack hanson,loser).

so i guess im not going to San Fran, and i was all excited about it.it blows. instead i might be going to portland. YAY. anywhere but here would be nice,because i need a getaway.i need a breath of fresh air,where i wont be so sad,just for a little while.just a weekend.my heart was totally set on sanfran tho because there art galleries are KICK ASS.im really into looking at that shit.oh well portlands cool anyway.

yesterday i laughed pretty fuckin hard. so did everyone else. we got a glimpse of ryans mohawk. HOT. lol.
i thought that was pretty funny. how can he think thats attractive? im sure hes doing it only to get attention.we were all standing there talking and he just walks up and stevi made a "thats the worst thing ever" noise. stevi YOUR AWESOME for that. i dont get why he always has to talk to my friends. i think hannahs the only one who dosent hate him.still, the hair, its ...just really funny.UGH.

You know what blows? when guys dont like you. IT SUCKS. guys dont like me. and no, i didnt just figure that out,thankyou very much.i dont get it tho.i try to be nice to them even tho there is a few i hate because of personal expericences,but thats only because they fucked ME over.that wasnt my fault.i have invested quite a bit of time with boys and its ALWAYS ended up really badly.so for a while i gave up. and right now im just...stuck.i dont know what the fuck to do. am i really that unnatractive? is that it? i mean, it is highschool, people are really fuckin shallow. all i want is a nice,normal,boyfriend who isnt a prick and who cares about me,and supports me.thats it. oh yea,and it would be nice if they werent crazy.thats not TOO MUCH to ask.i wish someone would come up to me or show there interested in me somehow. NO, NOT YOU LARRY. lol.but yea, im pretty independant. i feel like sharing my life with someone. its not like i wanna get married or anything like that. i just want a good experience.i dont think all realtionships have to be bullshit in highschool. i belive some guys out there are capable of being in one without fucking it up.its just really hard to find a decent one.i feel like ill be single forever. like noone will ever want me. i dont know what my deal is. i know id be so much happier if i knew someone cared about me like that.mybe im too shy.?????

So stevi likes rayl and they have this weird little thing going on,and they will probably go out, and me and i will never see her again. i need to get more friends or something, because i want to hangout with her but she is ALWAYS busy.im kinda convinced that she cares more about going off with boys and other people than hanging out with me at all. it sucks but theres nothing i can do.i know shes gonna do that. even tho she says she wont. she will. she did with nick. what makes this any different? she has been spending ALL her time with jerwei and rayl and austin. wtf? her and jerwei are like best buddies now, and she knows i dont like him. my opinion really dosent matter.i want her to be happy and all. dosent mean ill be happy.at all. but whatever makes her happy.i want her to be happy.even if it means im not.

2004-04-28T08:10:00.000-07:00

Ive been feeling really sick latley and i dont know why. mybe im getting stevi's cold or something,i dunno.i wasnt at school yesterday which was nice but then my parents didnt excuse it. THANKS GUYS! as always.
i saw dr.calahan yesterday and it totally sucked. he was a total ass! he usually is a really nice guy, but i think he had a bad day or something this time,because he was really rude. he told me i have no reason to kill myself because im 18 and i only have one more year of this shit and then all my problems will magically dissapere. i dont nessacerily think thats true at all. my parents arnt the only thing that makes me deppressed. anyway,he said that im lazy and scared of everything. thats not true AT ALL. by the end of our little conversation i was so pissed that i went home called kody and ranted on the phone for a long time.
Dr. callahan asked me if i wasnt lazy then what were my hobbies.i told him i was an artist. ive always done and been good at art my whole life. he said that dosent take alot of commitment. AH! of course it does! thats like the one thing im good at besides mybe writing.im not like, as good as kody or anything but im not too bad. well im going to go, ill write lata!

2004-04-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

YAY monday. ew.everybody loves mondays tho right?no.im wearing my death shoes today. the little black ones. when i walk i look like an idiot. A SEXY IDIOT. yea i almost ate shit on the way to class and a hot guy was behind me and i just sorta saluted him because im a huge nerd and he laughed. most likely at me. this weekend was alot better than last weekend. my and my mom went shopping which wasnt bad at all. we got along fine. we went out to dinner and that was great until she tried to talk to me about the suicide thing and she was being really weird about it,so i kinda got pissed. she was totally judging me and i dont want to talk about that shit if someone is going to judge me.that was annoying.i also dont like talking about it because we were in a public place and i didnt want to start crying or anything. she was being really loud too, so the people behind us probably thought i was a pshyco.oh well i dont care. anyways, so i cut my hair, but when its curly you cant tell at all. its still really long i just have these weird bangs.i hate em but oh well its hair it will grow.

stevi came over for a while yesterday. it was fun. we watched lolita,the most fucked up movie ever,and went tanning. well i guess we didnt go anywhere it was on my deck. it was funny, i went outside and yelled dad and some other guy said YEA? and i ran away.lol.oh i finally bought the best movie IN THE WORLD. out cold! now i can be cool and watch it everyday. its my favorite movie by far. anyways,me and stevi got hungry so went ventured out to get food of some sort and i had on this tiny little tight shirt and REALLY tiny blue shorts. it was funny because im sure i looked totally gross but i didnt care. i had tanning oil all over me so i was all shiny and lubricated. omg that was erotic. my blog just went x-rated.EW! sorry kids,erase those nasty visions from your heads.but yea the shorts my god there tiny!

I sorta got asked to prom.which is awesome. i kinda wish that if someone wanted to go with me they would just come out and ask.i like when guys are agressive because im really not all that agressive.anyways so thats really cool,elon is a really cool guy and probably the funniest person ever, so going with him would be really fun.he must be pretty desperate if hes wanting to go with me.ill probably go,ive never been to prom.dances are funny.

I was in class today and pat waddled in and gave me a look that was realy fucking weird. i got all nervous. but i dont really care much anymore im 100% over it.that was the begining of the year and now its the end of the year,so yea. im SO glad hes graduating. he used to be where al my stress came from. now its from my parents pretty much. boys dont stress me out as much as they used to, mainly because i dont give a fuck anymore. if someones going to treat me nice and like me for who i am,then right on,but if there fuckers like most of my experiences then fuck em. no need to waste time on something that dosent deserve my engery.like the ryan thing. that was a huge waste of my time.good thing is, now i could care less. i really could. the only thing that bothers me is that he probably thought i was totally in love with him, because when anyone compliments him or anything he blows it out of perportion and gets really cocky.i hate cocky guys. ive always had a thing for them but i still hate them.there fucking dumbshits. sadly most guys are like that in highschool. one reason im not really trying to go out and date one.im convinced that theres no mature normal people in highschool or college, so ill probably be like 80 when i finally meet someone.and ill only like them because they cant be annoying,they will probabl be half dead on a respertator.if they piss me off ill take there precious resperator.then what can they do?and ill say "WHOS THE BITCH NOW?!"except they will most likely be dead when i yell that.wtf im so sadistic! lol. DAMN OLD MEN. im a horrible person and im going to hell.

EW horrbile news kids:the little baby kid who looks like hes 12, just checked me out. i could be his father. god.some people,man i tell ya.i want babies to stop checking me out!stupid little drolly babies.everytime me and Genny see him she says "awww babies!" its so funny.i just realized something. well i guess i didnt just realize it. but kody NEVER calls me. unless he has too.mybe its painful for him i dunno. if i ever waited for him to call we would never see each other again!oh well, i think im going to call less and less because it makes me feel really stupid when i do call.

hey your stupid and im bored and i have nothing to say BYE KIDS.

2004-04-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

This week is half over. YAY.and we only have two days left until the weekend. which are both half days. score. this week actually hasnt been easy for me at all. i didnt even go to school yesterday,because i felt like shit,and the day before that i had a total breakdown about everything, and i was compleatly freaking out. my eyes still hurt from crying so long. even tho that was 2 days ago. i think my parents felt really bad about the appartment/moving out thing,because they said "mybe" instead of just plain "no".there is absoulutley no reason why i should still be at home. my dad wants to put me in a hospital.im not fucking crazy.im just really sad.there IS a difference.he thinks that since im so suicidal that i would hurt them,seeing as how i have no problem hurting myself.i would never fucking hurt them.ever.my home life is so horrible that if its possible my life can get better by moving out, im going to fucking do it. i dont care if the appartment is a peice of shit,it still wont be my house,and almost anything is better than that.these people are making me sick.they say im just making myself sick,but really,i have no doubt in my mind its them. i told my dad,if i move out,and im still really fucked up and just take all my problems with me,then ill movie back. i told him he should at least give me a chance,because its just renting the fuckin place,not like we are buying it or anything.so what do they have to lose? my mom thinks im just trying to get the place so i can kill myself there. im pretty sure i wouldnt be doing this just to kill myself. im not going out of my way to do that. id probably just do that in my own room. if they saw that,too fuckin bad. i dont care. i had planned on doing that anyway,but life only gives you one shot,its not like i can commit suicide twice. so i figured id give it jsut one more shot,and this is different and i think i might have a real chance to save myself. it is really fuckin hard not to end it right now because that would be so easy,its so fucking tempting,but for my friends i wont.ill try,i guess i should say.i hate promises.there pretty much the only thing thats keeping me here.not my parents. no,deffinetly not them. my parents think im a peice of shit,just rotting my way through life until i die.not true,ive had plans,most of them are unrealistic,but i still had plans. my realistic ones are to move the fuck out of ashland,and since my grades arnt fabulous,id move to eugene and go to Lane. the school is supposed to be good,the people would be new,life would be new. either way it wouldnt be this,and thats great.i want to be an artist,ive always wanted to be an artist,but not alot of people in my family support that.they think its a cool hobby,but not a cool job. true,i probably wouldnt make jack shit,but it would make me happy to make a living doing something i love. that was one dream i had.the next one was to get my shit together and get married mybe. mybe have a family but probably not.i dont want to re-create my home life with a new batch of kids.i like kids,but i dont think i can ever be a good mom.i know its pretty early to be making these assumptions,but still.ive never really wanted kids anyways.

my third dream was to be happy,most of all,and normal,and not have to go to anymore counserlors or take any more medication,or anything else that i feel is wasting my time.i dont want anymore fucking drama,and i dont want anymore baggage from myself,or other people. i tend to get involved with people who have alot of it,like me. i need to date people who are not like me at all.pat was alot like me.that didnt work.it wasnt that i didnt like him,i think i might have been in love with him,but he had issues as well. but if the whole "finding your sould mate thing" never ends up working out,then being independant wouldnt be so bad, because im pretty fucking independant as it is. the only scary thing is,im not worried what happens to me anymore. im not scared anymore.thats why im so ready to let go. i dont feel i belong,i never really have.its hard to stay here.its really,really hard.

well that was a fuckin downer.sorry to whoever was reading that. anyways,moving on.so larry still has this urge to talk to me, which i dont understnd because im pretty sure stevi said something scary to him so that he would fuck off,but he wont. HE WONT. i noticed him staring at me in class and i was ignoring him then he just goes,"i wrote you some "friendship" poems lastnight,but i forgot them.i did them in really cool colors and stuff, i spent all night doing it". LARRY. STOP IT!so i just said,"heh,thats great larry." and he kept talking about how pretty i looked and i said friends dont say stuff like that because he wasnt just complimenting me,he was hitting on me. but then he said it was just a compliment. UH HUH. WHATEVER.sure.sometimes he tries to have a serious conversation with me,and i either get really mad,or laugh at him because hes so fucking rediculous. ok i gtg. BYE

2004-04-19T08:16:00.000-07:00

mondays suck. alot. mondays always suck. but this monday seems to suck more than usuall. yesterday was a really long,shitty,hard,exhausting day.everything felt so dramatic.i was so tired from crying all day,i was just so fucking tired.i called kodys cell phone and told him to come over,and he said he could. he was at faiths birthday,with bendy and i figured he wouldnt be missing a whole lot there.so stevi dropped him off. i grabbed a bunch of my money and we started to head downtown.he knows alot about weapons,so i figured he'd know alot about guns. which he does. i told him i had alot of money and that i wanted to buy one.he didnt know what for,but i informed him it wasnt to hurt anybody.i wouldnt never hurt anyone,ever.so he started telling me about them and how much it would cost and how to get one. then he asked me what i would use it for,and i didnt know what to say so i just said i wouldnt hurt anyone.he asked me if i was going to kill myself with it and i said i didnt know. even tho,i did know.that would be the reason i wanted the fucking thing.i had made a decision in my mind,and i was going to do it. i wanted to so badly, and still do. but he wont get me one. he just talked to me for a long time about everything. it was nice.then we walked downtown,and went shopping,as if the whole thing had never happend. he was there for me,and thats what i needed.

later,when stevi came and picked me up,she asked how i was doing and i just made a back and forth gester with my hand. so she said shed call me.at about 9,she called me from her cell. we just talked for awhile,then i told her what was going on,the gun thing,everything. i really didnt want to tell her because i didnt want her to freak out.and i told her about the apartment thing and how thats now not happening. i was very upset about that.i thought that was a way for me to really change everything. not living with my parents would be a better situation for both of us.and mike. mike dosent need to grow up watching and listening to that shit.thats gonna fuck him up. thats one thing im most worried about.i just dont want him to be like me. i dont want him to be mean, or miserable,or so frusterated that your suicidal. even if he is a little shit head most of the time, it dosent mean i dont care about him. he already has a better chance than me, and i want that chance to be a good one.i want his life to be so full of love and the things im lacking in mine. i never,ever want him to feel the way i feel.i would rather die then have him feel like that. i think it would be better for him if he dosent grow up around me.if he does,i have no idea how things would turn out between us. how he would turn out. thats something that really scares me.

anyways,back to me and stevis phone conversation. i cracked and told her everything i didnt want her or really anyone to know.i started crying,even tho i was trying so hard not to.i told her i was really scared. because honestly i just dont know whats going to happen.it was so hard not to get up and do something right then. it just hurt so bad. she started crying to.she asked me if i wanted to come over and sleep over there. i wanted too, but i didnt end up doing that.if im going to live,this is gonna take alot out of me. it already has.if im going to save myself im going to need support.mybe im weak. but im tetering on the edge. and she pulled me back,and sorta talked me out of it. she told me she loved me,and that she was here for me. she talked about how this summer was going to be so fun,how we would go camping,and be single together,and just have fun and party. she told me so many wonderful things that really raised my spirts. she said she knows she hadnt been around alot and that shes been really busy. but shes gonna try to make more time to be with me.theres few reasons im still here, and shes most of them. i remember when i was going to try to movie to south carolina because of that pat thing,because i wouldve been happier, but she kept me back. thankyou stevi,and kody.

me and kody had along talk in my room about other stuff,like how boys are stupid.ryan came up somehow,big surprise, and apparetly he hates me now.im not surprised or anything.that dosent really help tho.he dosent have to like me,but why would he actually hate me? hating someone actually takes energy,and the only energy he's ever put into me is to hate me.well,good for him. he can hate me. i hope hes happy hating me.the weird thing is, i dont hate him. i dont even care enough to hate him. its not like theres anything i can do to fix the way he feels. he will probably always hate me until he forgets who i am.
im sad i lost his friendship,im sad when i lose anyones friendship,but if there going to be that unreasonable,then theres no reason why i should care at all because it wont get me anywhere.and i dont. but i do hope,at one point in his life,he meets someone who makes him really happy.who changes his life.i tried to make him happy,and look where that got me.so,good luck to you ryan,i hope you can find happiness at one point.

2004-04-16T08:57:00.000-07:00

What up kiddies? i just got to school,and im skipping math because i hate my life. and math.today is kinda a really gay/stupid/flaming/FUCK day. no,its not a national holiday. it should be tho. ok so heres what happend this morning: woke up,LATE again,dad screamed at me,then i found out that sometime last night mike took my vhs thing so that pissed me off,its been in there for months then he just decides its his. so i went into his room to see if it was in there and it was, and he woke up and freaked out i was in there,so i told him i was going to take it back. then he totally freaked,my dad came and screamed at ME and then he threw it away! WTF. then,my mom came out screaming at the top of her lungs and slapping me for no fucking reason.yea so its official that shes totally insane.anyways,yea my family is really dysfunctional and i hate all of them.:)

I have an english test today on the tempest which i havent studied at all.grand.and im going to hell.i have such a busy weekend its not even funny.tonight i have to hangout with rachel and we are smoking cigars for some reason. i want to hangout with rachel but then everytime we do its always something really gay that SHE wants to do even if its for my birthday. then tmro night im hanging out with stevi and we are getting trashed. then sunday im going shopping ALL DAY because im rich.i also have to attend a play. I DONT WANNA EITHER. i hate plays. wtf why do they still exist,we have tv's for christ sake.JESUS. the only thing i want to see live is music. THATS IT.i found out that my mom wanted to take me to las vegas for my birthday because i was turning 18,and she thought the drinking age there was 18,so thats why she was gonna take me. my mom can be cool,but it happens rarely.anyways,she cant take me so i was really sad about that because that wouldve been SO FUCKING AWESOME.i was thinking i get get laid there because people are crazy in las vegas..... i could see the whole thing now: i could hit it off with some total hottie,then i could say, "hey you wanna come back to my place?my mom could drive us there." thats where my fantasy turns into a nightmare. me and the hottie get a hotel room,that my mom has to stay in ,then she makes us cookies,and then me and the hottie watch finding nemo together.how romantic.i feel like im in daycare or something. so i talked to my mom about going to san fran instead,because thats like my 2nd favorite place in the world. she said shed think about it.getting drunk with my mom would just be fucked up. i really only wanna get drunk with my friends,but i like alcohol so much that im sure id do it anyways. i get to see merika again today. i think today might be a good day to see her.i need to talk to a "normal" person. anyways i have nothing interesting to say so im going to go...pretend im cool. TA TA!

2004-04-15T18:08:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION EVERYONE: SHAWN IS GOING TO RAPE STEVI

I hate you shawn,your a dumb drug addict. GOOD LUCK WITH STEVI.

heres a little convo that me and shawn had(im not real fond of him):

rubsomepunkonit: dont go flappin your mouth now

Auto response from kAtEo587: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rubsomepunkonit returned at 5:53:35 PM.
rubsomepunkonit is away at 5:53:56 PM.
kAtEo587: hmm. fuck you shawn
Auto response from rubsomepunkonit: how much is that pie in the window" "which one" "the one with the fine tasy crust" "4 p" "how much is that pie in the window" "i just told you" "i do hope that pie is for sale" "of course it's for sale...its in a shop that sells pies

rubsomepunkonit: whoa there wheres the love?
rubsomepunkonit returned at 5:55:43 PM.
kAtEo587: there isnt any for you, remember?
kAtEo587: i guess you forgot
rubsomepunkonit: or so you say
rubsomepunkonit: seriously though
kAtEo587: what?
rubsomepunkonit: the mouth is not to be flapped
rubsomepunkonit: understnd?
kAtEo587: about what? the stevi thing ? do i give a fuck?
rubsomepunkonit: watch the language
kAtEo587: you are such a smartass
rubsomepunkonit: why are you all of a sudden so harsh
kAtEo587: listen shawn,noone cares if you like stevi
kAtEo587: im not
kAtEo587: whats it to you anyway?
rubsomepunkonit: your mean
kAtEo587: im not actually
kAtEo587: but ok
rubsomepunkonit: well you sure are typing like a mean person
kAtEo587: and you sure are typing like a REALLY SMART PERSON
rubsomepunkonit: WHAT THE FUCK?
rubsomepunkonit: im done talking to you
kAtEo587: lol
kAtEo587: good
kAtEo587: bye
rubsomepunkonit signed off at 6:02:09 PM.

im feelin the love,arnt you guys? ;)

2004-04-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

HELLO CHILDREN! HOW YOU BE?!im weird.anyways, sorry my last post was so depperssing i get in those moods. anyways,today is a GREAT day because its a short day and i dont have to sit next to larry rogers!!! YAY! even tho stevi told him to leave me the fuck alone,he still talks to me and today he was talking about my hair because i straightend it (i cant spell). it looks cool, but im not recognizeable(cant spell again)which is the idea because larry=NO!i got up and went to the library and he got all sad.silly/scary kid. my hair is SO fucking long, so im going to cut it and dye it more blonde. so my crazy alcholic uncle sent me a birthday card. it says happy 15th birthday. ????????
thanks Bill your only off by 3 years but ya whatever. the funny part is he sent me the exact same card last year. happy 15th! SAME CARD TOO.i keep turning 15 wow i must have super magic powers or something. CRAZY. i cant wait until this weekend! OMG IM SO EXCITED! i get to go drunk and go shopping. not in that order,lol. that would be pretty funny tho. the last time i went to the mall was with ryan but the time before that i went with faith and stevi and i tried on a bunch of mens suits and old women suits and i was fucking HOT.i wanted to do me. ya know what? I HATE DANCES. but i always dance the entire time every time i go to one.hmm. my dad told me i looked like Donald Trump today because some of my hair was to the side. I HATE MY DAD. i was like "hey dad you like my hair"? he goes, "ya,if you like Donald Trump". then he started laughing reallllllly hard.grand. ewww i have PE today. at least i have it with my friends otherwise i might kill myself. larrys in there too. *&#*@&*(&(*&@*#&(@*&#*@&@%&@!!!!

kody called me last night twice from his drivey thingy he was at.drivers ed sounds too gay i cant explain it. anyway, so hannah cant get drunk with me and steven because she is going up to gayland to hangout with haily or haley or whatever.that makes me SAD.me and hannah need to hangout more. we always talk about doing something,then we never do. we've been doing that for 2 years.actually i do that with alot of people. ill say HEY lets hangout and then they want to and they keep calling and then they stop because i always have a reason why i cant hangout.the only people i dont do that to are kody and stevi. i say that to jermey alot to but he dosent like me and its stupid. i mean he's my friend but he is all like "STEVI DO ME" and she says "NOPE". its a beautiful thing they have together.jermey your stupid. marry me,damnit.

I hate chris lewis. I WANT HIM TO DIE.he sat down at my table and was all flirty until i just said "hey chris,i have never liked you,i dont like you now, and i never will." then he threw something at me, and hit me in the face. then he said "OHHH KATE HATES THAT!" then i quietly stood up,grabbed a box of markers,and dumped them on his head. he called me a physco bitch and i smiled at him. then he didnt talk for the rest of the time. theres this new guy working at blockbuster who im gonna rape,(*wink!*)and hes all super hot and FIIIIINNNEEE. plus hes hit on me before so im gonna go for it i think.i think he may be quite a wee bit older. oh well.except i always get intimidated by REALLY REALLY REALLY good looking people, so it may be a chalenge. i want to get my nose periced NOW. RIGHT NOW.i need a fucking car.

oh by the way, kody, i love you for that picture you made! KICK ASS.:)

the end.

2004-04-14T08:15:00.000-07:00

So far...today sucks.my parents just yelled at me alot this morning for i dont know what. i can never seem to do anything right. when i try it makes it worse.but im getting older and the only glimmer of hope i get is from me turning older,so i can move out. not that life will be peachy then either, but i definetly wont have to put up with there shit, and they dont have to put up with mine.so everyone can be happy. anytime i tell my parents anything, like the suicide thing,i dnt get support, it just backfires.they get mad at me. what i need is support and when they get mad that jsut brings me even lower. and i feel pretty low most of the time even if noone can tell.i just cant wait until i can start my life,even if its small and lonley,even if its nothing i ever dreamed of,even if i never find someone to share it with,it would be better then living in a 24/7 hell.i have pretty much no hope of ever finding anyone at this point. and im almost ok with that even tho thats all i really wanted out of life, besides to be happy. i just wanted to share that with someone. too much to ask. even tho i am pretty young,i just cant see things changing for the better. i guess im just really negative, i dunno.i should stop crying myself to sleep everynight.

yesterday was pretty good.stevi came over after school and hungout with me and we just talked and hungout in my hottub. it was fun,and im always glad to spend time with her,and i apperciate her commin over. she got me a really cool presant too,and a REALLY funny card with martha stewarts head on a mans body and at the top it said "lap dance"? lol. then my mom made a really good dinner. it was cooooool. i told kody to call me lastnight...but he never did.he never calls me and it kinda sucks he couldnt at leasy on my birthday,oh well. i really want a job right now. i want to get a full time one this summer. perferably working at the shakespere festival giftshop,or at the physical thereapy place up my street(which would be ALOT easier) i cant wait until this summer, me and stevi and kody and hannah are gonna try to all go camping somewhere,and that would be SO fun!i need to fucking drive.now.i really am thinking about getting my nose peirced. would that look stupid?hmmmmm. i need to go shopping this weekend.i have money i must spend it now.i cant keep money for longer than a week.even thats streching it.i want to go to the beach and get tan! but not like last year where i got second degree burns all over me. that sucks SO much ass! i got it the worst on my stomache and it was like bleeding and shit. so i couldnt go on the beach for the rest of my vacation.i swear to god im getting skin cancer. if i dont i will be really surpsied.but then a month later i was really really weirdly tan on those spots. in the summer i always get freckles and my hair tuns blonde. i hate it. there has been a couple people who think im a blonde right now...which obviously im not. im a brown! or brunette or whatever! lol.i think my hairs confused and is going through menopause. it has cramps and bloating and....no....nonono nevermind. its just confused.it likes being blonde and brown. i think my hair is bisexual.YAY! i think stevi is totally convinced im a lesbian because i always end up making lesbian jokes around her.i should stop doing that,really. ok well children i must be off,i have another class to attend, SCORE.

later kids!

2004-04-13T23:05:00.000-07:00

From Kody:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KANKER

2004-04-13T08:11:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday.yay. 18.score. only...3 more years till i can have fun. even tho i sorta break that rule often.anyways,today is going to be cool because people are gonna be all nice to me,and its a short day. and i look like a sexy farmer today. lol YES! stevi says that when i wear overalls. speaking of stevi,she called me lastnight. it was really cool, i hadnt talked to her on the phone for a while.we had a good little chat.i think everything is going to be ok. hoping. lastnight i decided i would do something cool with my hair because its really gay...BUT NOPE. I HATE YOU,HAIR! DIE!diediediediediediediediediedieeeee. ok. i need to start driving this is starting to get really embaressing. everyones like "hey your a fag you dont drive yet, and your old! LOSER!" ok well noone actually said that. but they should. ive been so fucknig crafty latley.my god.im such an artist. ive been making boxes and shirts and hair thingys and picture frames.i was thinking of making faith a box for her birthday, but then she might hate it. GOD.IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS WEEKEND! IM GETTING DRUNK AND ITS GOING TO BE AWESOME.kody will hate me for saying that. its ok kody ill drink in.....moderation...lol. ok probably not but oh well. i think since its my birthday..ben should drive down to ashland so we can rape each other for a while..then he can go home. ;)

Im listening to Reel Big Fish right now. god im too cool.really. except i really like them,so shoot me. it reminds me of when i went to south carolina last year, this was all i listend to, and i sat on the beach,when i wasnt talking to pat on the phone. he would get all mad at me because i called him like..once? mybe.last summer was good until the end when he dumped me. that sorta sucked ass. actually ive sent him post cards the past two years i went there. then we'd stop talking for a while cuz we messed around once when we were drunk.kodys here GTG OH FUCK?

2004-04-12T14:10:00.000-07:00

When im at home i keep trying to post shit on here and it wont work,but mybe it will now since im in the library. yesterday was easter. it was weird. i got up at like,12 (usually we wake up early on easter to go to church),and we get easter baskets and i went into the living room and nothing was there,then my mom came out all flustered and was carrying to bumble bees. our easter baskets were bumble bees. IT HAD WINGS! anyways so that was kinda weird, then we had to open them,and my mom whiped out the video camera and taped every fucking thing.then,the candy shit in the bee was really sick, it was like balls of old peanut butter and cherries. WTF is that? so i wouldnt touch that crap.then there was almonds and probably feces in there too. it wouldnt surprise me. i talked to rachel today on the quad,and she wants to hangout on friday and smoke cigars. then friday night,me and stevi and hannah are going to get fucked up, but no boys because everytime i get drunk i try to make out with someone and thats never a good thing. i think every time ive been to jermeys house thats happend. except for mybe once. thats why i think he kinda hates me now,lol. everytime i see him i talk about hanging out then we never do. ITS ANNOYING. my dad is really weird sometimes(all the time). i was talking to kody on the phone and he asked who it was,like he was angry or something,and he forgot who kody was when i told him,so he thought i was having a "secret realationship" with somebody! LOL, he for some reason always thinks im dating the guys i hangout with. or any guy ive had over. its stupid. heathers been saying hi to me alot latley its weird. i havent really talked or hungout with her in so long. she looks so different too. she looks good tho.her hair is really different. its like shes trying to be a jennifer clone. i think she might be in love with her.stevi was really nice to me today.i really apperciate that, but i dont think she knows it. we dont spend much time together anymore. shes changed alot, but i dont think she knows that either. shes so different from last year. shes been hanging out with alexis's group alot, and i totally feel like shes gonna ditch us for them, which sucks. i dont even get why she likes those guys,there annoying,not very smart,and pretty bitchy,and there all the same. god they even look the same! shes going to the funky d with them and i was gonna ask her to come with me, but shes already going with them. im not going tho its no big deal. it seems like she wants to go out and party all the time. i dont like to do that. i dont like being around a bunch of stupid drunk people i dont even know. i dont find that fun at all. id rather get drunk with people i know or thats im friends with. i get stressed out about this,because shes my best friend and i care about her so much.i dont know if she knows that either.right now i just cant put up with anyones crap. im not doing to good, and my mom found out about the suicide thing so i have to go to merika alot now. i love going there,but i dont really know if it helps any.it just gives me a place to vent,where someones actually listening to me. she told me she has a special place in her heart for me, and if i was gone a peice of her would die. that was the nicest thing anyones ever said to me. sometimes i just feel so empy,and i feel like im taking up space. i feel dead. ive felt dead for a long time actually. but at school and in front of my friends i try to cover it up so noone can notice im all fucked up.its hard to admit to yourself that your fucked up,or that you need help. i only got help to make my parents feel better,but i am not so sure they care all that much. i need them so much right now and they really arnt there.too busy to realize they have a daughter.ill never win them over, so why try now? its just a waste of time.mike makes me so upset sometimes i cant even explain it. he gets really fucking mad when he dosent get what he wants. one time, he was mad at me for something and grabbed a screwdriver and chased me down the hall into my bedroom, and when i slamed the door in his face he rammed the screwdriver into my door. theres still a hole there. fucking physco!

so yea, thats mike for ya. i have many funny stories about him too.a couple months ago, i guessed he decided to be a male stripper or something,because he shaved all his pubes off! but the worst part is ...HE USED MY RAZOR! it was so disgusting! when i opened up the shower curtain,it looked like somebody had shaved there fucking CAT. it was everywhere! and it was stuck in my razor!!! EW! so kody has a nick name for him now, which is Baldy Pants. it suits him well.

my brother likes to sleepwalk too. once when he was about 4 he got fully dressed except for his slippers, went into the kitchen,poored himself just a bowl of milk,sat down on a stool,and just put his face in it,crying.or sometimes he would even come into my room and lay down on my bed and it would scare the fuck out of me. i want to go jogging right now. i really want one of those jog-proof cd players.

im such a whore. today when i was on the quad, i saw this girl that totally looked like robin williams! IT WAS SO FUNNY! so i told everyone,they thought it was funny but they think im really mean now,lol.
i hate the thought of robin williams with a vagina. its horrible. HAVE SWEET DREAMS,KIDS!

2004-04-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a jog. not a very long one either.im all tired(ish) now.
well today is easter. it sucked.my mom is weird and has to video tape every fucking thing,like christmas but gayer. she still gets me an easter basket which makes me laugh. this year, the basket was a bumble bee. i still cant figure out how to get the damn thing open. it has wings on it.MY EASTER BASKET HAS WINGS! anyways,so i saw The Passion last night. that movie is fucking intenese. it makes you almost want to be a christian.people were like,screaming and crying in the theatre, and it was proabably 5000000 degrees in there. it was so hot! at one point my dad left to bitch at the manager. that didnt work tho. then i got home and watched Finding Nemo like 50 times because thats the COOLEST movie EVER! Note:im a dork.

i really miss jerwei. i havent talked to him in so long, im sure he's forgotten about me by now. i dont even know what it is i miss about him, mybe im just going crazy, i dont know. ive realized only crazy insane people like me. it sorta....blows. i have to see merika again because of the whole suicide thing. im only going to make my mom feel better. even tho it wont work. she refuses to get me actual help, so theres nothing left to do.except what i was planning to do,which i have second thoughts about all the time.my mom dosent think ill go through with it,and that im not veing serious about it.guess she doesnt know me very well.

its funny how you can live with someone all your life,and not realize whats going on,or worse,even care. i just wanted her to care.at this point thats really not to much to ask.i just wanted her to love me again, but my mom?no. the story of my life. anyways im off to do something else,later.

2004-04-10T19:20:00.000-07:00

its saturday. tommorws easter. yay. i didnt do shit all day today. im about to go see the passion. i dont really want to but i have nothing else to do. everyone is gone right now and i dont have anything to really do. i could hangout with some people but i keep forgetting i sorta hate everyone, so that wont work. i wish i had alot of money. so i could buy shit. but i dont have any. it makes me angry. im getting a full time job this summer tho,so then i will have absolutley no life at all, and never see my friends. well i never see stevi anyway so that wont be real different, she will probably have a job and be doing like 9 sports at the same time that she has to loose weight for and then mybe something else. she tends to be busy everyday doing crew because sports consume her life. anyways, im thinking of going to south carolina all summer. that would be awesome. oh shit i gtg,
bye!

2004-04-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

I dont know why today is the worst day ever,but for some reason it is. i woke up like an hour late, and i was so fucking pissed when i woke up, and then mike was existing and that pissed me off. he's such an asshole! i cant deal with him. something really weird happend between him and lotus(the one whos stalking him) and he was really freaked out last night but refuses to tell me why. why is she SO weird?? whats her deal? she calls our house every 5 goddamn seconds for him and its SO annoying. and every time i answer it sounds like shes been crying. porbably cuz shes insane and dating mike,who is a huge ass and treats all girls like his sex toys and hes only 13! WTF i never did that shit when i was 13. hes trying to grow up but theres just one little problem: hes the most immature person i know, besides mybe one other person who i will not name because they might read this. but they probably know who they are. i keep thinking i have art today, but i dont. because i skipped it lastime. that class just makes me really pissed thats why i dont go. i used to get all weird and uncomfrotable because ryan was in there but then i realized how stupid it is to get uncomfortable because of him so now, i dont give a shit.i dont care at all. i know he dosent, why should i? anyways but the reason i hate that class is because of that and the teacher. shes nice enough but thinks i dont do shit. which i do. then she gave out this homework assighnment thing and i was like WTF this is ART! ART CLASS! you dont do anything in art except ART!!!!! god i am so pissed right now i feel like beating up...kai.lol. poor kai he gets so much shit from everyone, but its so funny. david was trying to "bond" with me in english yesterday,which is funny because i compleatly ignored him, and all he talked about was kai and how kai was so interesting and shit. kai would just be sitting there stoned and david keep telling me to look at him, like he was doing something really funny, so i would glance over and nothing was happenin and then id glance at david who was cracking up. for no reason. im starting to think david is just insane. hes crazy. all he talks about is kai and camille usually, and he really has know right to talk about her like that because she probably the coolest chick i know and the nicest. anyways, i really wish kody would come home. hes the only person i can talk to about my problems and actually cares and understands. i love stevi but i usuallly dont talk to her about stuff like that anymore because she dosent act like shes listening to me. im seeing merika today(thank god) for the first time in a while. i really need to see her. im freaking out. my birthday is comming up on tuesday. i was thinking about doing something with like stevi and kody and hannah and faith, and mybe rachel. hannah's such a sweetie. i felt so bad for her because someone stole her shit in PE a couple days ago,and she was upset about it, so we are out to kick everyones ass till we find her skirt. lol. this may take a while. and me trying to kick anyones ass alone is just funny right there. i might be able to sit on them but really thats all ive got. probably work tho. :)

i had the most fucked up dream lastnight,about nick bennedetti.we were hanging out for some reason and kody came with me and we all went to an art show with naked fat guys. and we were all really drunk because it was someones wedding earlier that day. but we didnt know who we just drank there alchohol. thats funny because i cant see nick or kody EVER getting drunk. the only friends of mine i can imagine getting trashed is stevi,jermey,hannah,mybe faith but probablynot. latley ive been so stressed out and ive been wanted to get drunk SO BAD and couldnt. but me and stevi and hannah are going to next weekend i think, or thats the plan. my mom got this new staighting iron a couple days ago, and i want to use it because when i go to school larry wont recognize me. and i think it would be funny, i look weird with straight hair. anyways, i have to go, ill write later kids! ******

2004-04-08T12:26:00.000-07:00

I really hate George Foreman. i have no idea why, or who he really is, but that guy is an asshole. so kodys gone and that sucks ass. hes at his little shibby thing and its stupid and alex went and hes gonna try to hangout with him. which makes me laugh. anyways so its ALMOST the weekend, but not quite. tmro's friday and i want it to be friday now.right now would be good. yea. me and steven ate lunch together today that was fun. we actually have done that in a while. i acted like a freak the whole time. big surprise. she eats these funny health food bars that are the size of say.... a really small weird penis. anyways so shes eating those now to help her loose weight for her crew thingy. so heather came and sat next to me in the library this morning which was weird bacuz we really dont talk or hangout anymore. she was really nice tho, so that was good. apparently Jen and Pat are having a little fued or something. im guessing its because pats like her and he will say can i rape you and she will say NO! hes all in love with her and it makes me laugh cuz now hes really sad that she rejected him. im guessing. i dont know this for sure. but i felt like saying " HOW'S IT FEEL,ASSHOLE?!" yea hes a dick but thats ok becuz he sorta dissapered of the face of the earth for me. and im glad. theres only one guy i want, the same guy ive always wanted, who i was totally in love with, and thats Ben. older hot yummy ben from bend going to college at Linfeild Ben. that one. i really wanna see him again, but that probably wont happen. anyways, i should be in art right now, but im skipping it, not because of ryan( he probably thinks thats why im not there) but because i was really lazy and late anyway. that class used to be kinda fun but now its really gay and i want to switch out into a class that i have friends in or something. its almost my birthday im excited. except im going to be so i hate that. i need to go workout at the Y. Jordan the beautiful lifeguard man works there and i need to rape him. unless stevi does. then i dont want to. larry (nubbinear) gave me a creepy stare today, but didnt talk to me. IM SO HAPPY TOO! i think hes finally getting the point,mybe hes not so stupid. probably is tho. ew my backpack smells like jojos and its really nasty. i had a dream lasnight that a lesbian raped me, and i got a new dog and then there was something to do with maccaroni salad in there. oh well. at least its better then the dream about my dad being a Chip N Dales dancer. man did that suck. me and kody are still making a band called "crater of fat". what kind of name is that? i bet we are gonna have the number one song on the billboard charts called "jiggly celulite" or something romantic like that. can you imaging making out to a song like that? i can. CANT. that would be really funny.

ive been feeling so anti-social latley. like when amy will call and ill make up an excuse. she did that like eight times and gave up.lol. i keep meaning to ask camille to hangout then i get like...to lazy to talk. shes so nice and cool, i really wanna get to know her better. i heard david and terra talking shit about her and i told them to shutthefuckup. it was really funny, and they both might hate me now but i dont really care. i dont think david does, seeing as how he still talks to me alot. i might hangout with david but thats it. no messing around or anything. ive learned from more than one person that will guinuenly fuck things up. unless the guy actually has balls and is mature enough to deal with it. so far, thats not the case.

shit gtg

later

2004-04-07T09:03:00.000-07:00

So this is my first post. WAHOO. i know, i know, you really excited. WELL, CALM THE FUCK DOWN. why am i making one of these? its not like ill ever write in it or anything. and if i do it will only be for ranting and bitching. i guess thats good enough. so what to talk about....kodys leaving today for his modle UN shit. or nerdfest as i like to call it. UNTIL SUNDAY! thats like....LONG. ive told him my opinions on modle UN but he loves it so WHATEVAH!whatever makes the chap happy. chap? did i just say that? ew gross i did. anyways, steven got back from her crew trip thingy 2 days ago. and shes going on another one this weekend. THANKS GUYS FOR LEAVING ON MY BIRTHDAY! oh well its not like they can help it. but i wish they didnt have to leave this weekend. im going to be 18. WHAT? 18?? WHY AM I SO GODDAMN OLD?! god, i now get the privledges of voting,buying cigarettes and PORN! oh yes, what i've always wanted in life.i know thats all ive ever asked santa for. alex just came up to me a little bit ago and started talking. it was really uncomfortable,not because i have a undying hatred for him but becasue it was really funny and i had to keep from not laughing. he would talk, i would talk, and then he just stands there for what seemed like forever,just being alex, and not saying a word. hes so big and dorky. he makes me laugh. alex is a nice kid. thats it. thats all there is to him. hes like..a blank peice of paper. a really weird horny peice of paper. ? anyway, hes got this new fuckbuddy..jackie or something, anyways shes really gross and i think they deserve each other. im glad he found someone of his caliber. boys are so fucking annoying i cant deal with them. IM OVER IT. like this creepy thing going on with Larry Rogers. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? why does he insist on writing me little poems and love letters EVERY FUCKING TIME he sees me??!! then he stares at me all the time and i just wanna ..MOVE.to a different state.far away from all larrys. stevi told him to leave me alone and that hes freaking everyone out. im not sure what he said back, but apparently it didnt work because a couple days ago i was walking through the ghetto of ashland home and he was in his room watching me, and yelled from his window: "HEY KATE, HEY KATE,KATE,COME HERE KATE,KATE COME HERE!!" i had my headphones on so it looked like i just didnt here him...but i did loud and clear.i didnt say anything to him, just turned around with a scared look on my face and walked faster.alot faster. there was this one poem he wrote me(he's written me almost 10,not including the loveletters) about how i was going to "forever be his wife" WTF! bitch im noones wife. anyways i found that really gross and disturbing and made me wanna vomit a little.hoprfully today he wont stalk me in PE again. i hate that. speaking of stupid boys...Simone weeble wooble decided to try to flirt with me yesterday, we were talking about realtionships and whats the longest one we've ever had. using my pshycic abilities i presumed his would last as long as a week. I WAS RIGHT! hahaha.hes so dumb. thats the only word to describe him. just really big and dumb. kinda like david, who talks to me all the time. and sits next to me in english sometimes. he dosent really have a personality at all. hes kinda cute but thats about it. ive heard alot of bad things about him. kody said if i messed around with him he wouldnt talk to me anymore. lol. WOAH i gtg, bye kidlets!